Wailing Ovaries vs. Abusive Pricks

Let us discuss the 2-hour event mixing "two of television's biggest dramas" in an "unprecedented television event." Hold on to your panties, but Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice are joining forces to suck for two whole hours.

This may seem odd to many first time readers, because the author writing this is a woman, and is therefore exactly the audience that Shonda Rhimes is trying to capture. Sexy men! Doctors! Complicated relationships! Patrick Dempsey's hair!

And she had me for a while. I did watch the first three seasons of the show, and it was decent. But after the 156th Mer-Der break-up, the abrupt exit of Kate Walsh for the equally disappointing spin-off, and the whole "Izzie having sex with her fiancee that she helped kill" thing, I was over and out of that show.


Around the same time that I started to hate Grey's Anatomy, I started to warm to this other little network medical drama called House. Both go for the same demographic with some similar tactics. So in an epic throwdown for all (3 of my readers) to see, I give you the Epic Battle of the Network Doctors.

Battle of Good Hair: Men
This is a deceptive match-up, because Grey's Anatomy seems to have the advantage. They have the much-celebrated locks of one Patrick Dempsey, in addition to the spikey 'do that is Eric Dane's highlighted mane. And House seems to be at a startling disadvantage upon examining how bald Hugh Laurie really is. But when you factor in Jesse Spencer's surfer mop and Robert Sean Leonard's face from the nose up, really, House wins. RSL has more hair on one eyebrow than the entirety of Dempsey's body.
Point: House

Battle of Good Hair: Women
This is really an unfair competition. First of all, there are far more women in the halls of Seattle Grace than their are in Princeton-Plainsboro (2 to 1). So for House's women to catch up to Grey's ladies, their hair would have to be ab fab. And since they hacked Cuddy's hair into these bangs, this one clearly goes to Meredith and her crew.
Point: Grey's Anatomy

Battle of The Sex
Not "Battle of the Sexes," but "Battle of The Sex." Because a key ingredient in any drama series is sex. And quite frankly, House doesn't have much of a shot against Grey's in this department. This isn't to say that no one on the show has sex. It's just the shear amount of sex on Grey's Anatomy, and how the whole show seems to center around it, that puts Grey's on top. Or bottom. Or...you get it.
Point: Grey's Anatomy

Battle of the Funny
You heard it. Generally, Grey's Anatomy goes for the female perspective, with introspective (whiny) narration courtesy of Meredith and clever (bitchy) quips regarding cases. Usually, it's one running sex gag throughout the episode, and sometimes it continues from one episode to another. On House, the funny tends to focus on genuinely funny one-liners and unexpected responses to completely serious statements. And let's be honest, the House doctors have better comedic timing. So would you rather watch this? Or this? I thought so.
Point: House

Battle of the Medicine
Despite their vast differences, both shows are rooted in the medical profession. Both have very highly certified doctors in various fields trying to make people better. The difference between the two is at one hospital, people tend to be relatively okay and then die, and at the other hospital, people tend to get really friggin sick before the a-HA moment and then they live. The truth in medicine is, things have to get worse to get better.
Point: House

Battle of Emotional Maturity
...yeah, both shows suck at this.
With the sole exceptions of Bailey on Grey's and Wilson on House, the characters on both these shows are almost completely incapable of having a functioning adult relationship.
Point: Moo

Sorry, Seattle Gracers, but with a tally of 3-2, House just eeks out a victory. Thankfully for everyone, both can combine forces to make a pretty awesome MadTV segment.