And the Oscar for Longest Blog Post EVER Goes To...

7:58 PM
• Ryan Seacrest offers a plate with his face on it to Katherine Heigl as a diet plan. Frankly, I would’ve broken the plate and chowed down on a burger.
7:59 PM
• Giuliana Rancic and Kimora Lee predict that red is the color of the night. Wearing my
8:00 PM
• The Soup comes on E!, and we quickly figure out that the ceremony is starting. We jump up and change the channel to ABC and are dismayed to find that Regis Philbin is hosting the preshow. Not sure if this is a good thing. He begins by awkwardly interviewing George Clooney, who changes the subject to Notre Dame basketball.
8:04 PM
• Brad arrives dressed up. Papparazo Joanna takes pictures. John Travolta’s dye job shows up to the Oscars with Kelly Preston in tow.
8:07 PM
• Javier Bardem is interviewed. The room heats up about 20 degrees.
8:09 PM
• Miley Cyrus shows up. She looks great and we find out she is presenting. The room cries out in protests of bullshit.
8:12 PM
• Jennifer Garner shows up looking gorgeous. I vow to go on a diet.
8:13 PM
• Helen Mirren arrives looking classy and age appropriate. You go girl.
8:14 PM
• Daniel Day-Lewis shows up, a man that Hank proclaims to be “A G.” He looks surprisingly classy for a man with long hair and two hoop earrings.
8:17 PM
• Some random old chick and two teenagers get interviewed. Regis tells them to “make some noise.” Rappers everywhere cross this saying off their list of concert lines.
8:22 PM
• Ellen Page is interviewed. Hank vows to make her his wife.
8:24 PM
• The extras in the Enchanted number are interviewed by Regis. They squeal. All parties involved need new material and need to ease up on the make-up.
8:27 PM
• Jack Nicholson brilliantly avoided Regis, and the show starts.
THE OSCARS ACTUALLY BEGIN
8:30 PM
• The Oscars begin with its montage, starting in the desert and heading to Hollywood with some tricky computer animation combining all of the nominees and past movies. Apparently, it’s the 80th Academy Awards
8:32 PM
• Jon Stewart pops out of a tube. Hee hee. Writers strike reference is made. Crowd applauds. “Welcome to the make-up sex.” Cancellation of the Vanity Fair Oscar party out of respect for the writers. Maybe invite them to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party; “They won’t mingle, don’t worry.”
8:34 PM – Opening monologue
• The Oscars ended the writers strike. “Let’s take a moment to congratulate ourselves.” Stewart mentions the murderous movie noms. “Does this town need a hug?” and ending by saying “Thank God for teen pregnancy.”
• “Hannibal Lecter’s murdering with Dorothy Hamil’s wedge cut.”
• “Julie Christie in a movie about a woman who forgets her own husband. Hilary Clinton called it the feel good movie of the year.”
• “Finally a movie that captures the beauty and the raw sexuality of Yom Kippur.” – Atonement
• “I only say that, of course, so Dennis Hopper knows where he is. Don’t worry, I’m going to mention it every 15 minutes or so. We’re friends.”
• “Diablo Cody was an exotic dancer and is now is an Oscar-nominated writer. I hope you’re enjoying the pay cut.”
• “That makes my stripper name Olympia Dukakis.”
• “Oscar is 80 years old this year, which automatically makes him the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.”
• “I think we all remember the ill-fated 1948 presidential campaign of Hadolf Titler. It’s such a shame! Titler had such good ideas! He couldn’t overcome the name! Or the mustache…” (On Barack Obama)
8:41 PM
• Jennifer Garner presents the first award for the Best Costume Award. The winner, as I predicted, is Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Alexandra Byrne, the costumer, has an ugly dress but a fantastic and concise speech. Kudos, Alexandra. Kudos.
8:43 PM
• They flashback to Barbara Streisand and Katherine Hepburn’s tie win. Hank and Ryan proclaim that if they can flashback to Family Guy.
8:48 PM
• I cancel the DP Dough order and sit down to watch the memorable moments from past Oscars set to the touching strains of “My Heart Will Go On.” Jon Stewart is watching “Lawrence of Arabia” on his iPhone.
8:51 PM
• Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell present. I squee at the Get Smart music. Steve Carell jokes towards Jon that “You never cease to amaze me with your constant need for oppression.”
o “Is this being shown in Belgium?”
o “Oui.”
o “Oh sh…”
• The Oscar goes to Ratatouille. Equally deserving, but the room is pissed off because Persepolis won. Bird gives a lovely speech with his father’s “advice” and gets cut off by music.
8:55 PM
• Katherine Heigl presents and is nervous. She presents the award for Best Makeup to La Vie en Rose (which is deserving against Norbit and Pirates of the Caribbean) to Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald. Both are charming and have very concise speeches. The orchestra cuts them off.
8:58 PM
• The first best song performance is “Happy Working” from Enchanted. Jon Stewart decides to start, but hands the reigns over to Amy Adams.
9:02 PM
• Oscar montage with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
9:07 PM
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson presents the award for Best Visual Effects, joking that Raiders of the Lost Ark’s melting face scared the crap out of him. The Oscar goes to the computer geeks behind The Golden Compass. They quote Disney by saying “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” The room’s response: “WHAT?!?!”
9:10 PM
• Cate Blanchett presents Best Art Direction. Kristyne is pissed. I am impressed that someone that pregnant is out. Sweeney Todd wins over Atonement, and yet I’m delighted because it is equally if not more deserving for the award.
9:13 PM
• It is revealed that Cate Blanchett played the pitbull in No Country for Old Men and Jon Stewart hosting the Oscars. She cannot be stopped. Yet another montage, this time of the Best Supporting Actor.
9:15 PM
• Academy Award Winner Jennifer Hudson stiffly reads off the teleprompter for the Best Supporting Actor. The award, as predicted, goes to Javier Bardem. He charmingly dedicates it to his mother and the people of Spain, all in Spanish. As if the man wasn’t sexy enough.
9:22 PM
• Stewart translates: “I believe he told his mother where the library is.” He shows us what a writer-less Oscars would’ve been: A tribute to binoculars and periscopes and bad dreams.
9:24 PM
• Keri Russell appears to introduce “Raise it Up,” the song from August Rush nominated for Best Song. It’s beautifully performed by the cast and the Impact choir of Harlem and the soloists from the movie. Just as good live as it was in the movie. I will be okay with this if it wins for Best Song, although I really am pulling for “Falling Slowly” from Once.
9:28 PM
• Owen Wilson (a nominee) presents the Best Live-Action Short Film, which goes to Le Mozart De Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets) of France. The director keeps it short and sweet.
9:31 PM
• Bee Movie makes yet another appearance. With a dumb montage. Next. It makes the presentation for Best Animated Short Film to Peter and the Wolf. The British winners are very greatful and are holding the model of the character Peter with them on stage.
9:34 PM
• Yet another fucking montage of past winners. This time, Best Supporting Actresses.
9:35 PM
• Alan Arkin presents the award for Best Supporting Actress. I pull for Ruby Dee in American Gangster or Saoirse Ronan in Atonement, even though both are highly unlikely; the award is presented to…Tilda Swinton. This is the first award for Swinton and the first time Swinton has actually looked like a woman. “I have an American agent who is the spitting image of this statue,” and she dedicates the award to her sculpted award to her agent. She used buttocks and nipples in her speech. Rock on, Tilda.
9:40 PM
• Another montage. This one is a little more meaningful, it includes Sidney Poitier.
9:42 PM
• DP Dough arrives. The masses stop to replenish before heckling the awards more.
9:44 PM
• The “always fantastic” Jessica Alba (whatever) introduces the winners of the Technical Awards. This is the first year that anyone I’m watching the show with actually cares about those awards.
9:45 PM
• Jon notes that there are only 2 pregnant women, but “The night is young. Jack [Nicholson] is here.”
9:46 PM
• James McAvoy and Josh Brolin playfully introduce the Best Adapted Screenplay with the worst Jack Nicholson impression. The Coen Brothers win for No Country for Old Men.
9:49 PM
• The President of the Oscar committee makes a bland speech about why they award the films that no one has actually seen. They proceed to show a montage about how everything is nominated. Frankly, I don’t give a damn.
9:51 PM
• Jon Stewart proceeds to say exactly what we were thinking “Wow. That was amazing. I always thought they were super delegates.”
9:52 PM
• Miley Cyrus’s general presence irks the entire room and like totally presents the pretty darn hopeful song “How Does She Know” from Enchanted. I wouldn’t like it at all if Kristin Chenowith wasn’t singing it. Hank thinks the drummer looks like Harrison Ford.
9:58 PM
• Kristyne finally notices that all the boys’ dorm room doors have light sabers and signs of the empire on them. She is notably shocked and jealous.
10:00 PM
• There is a third pregnant actress in the audience: Jessica Alba, Cate Blancett, and Nicole Kidman. “And the baby goes to…Oh my God, Angelina Jolie.”
10:01 PM
• Dame Judy Dench and Halle Berry are supposed to present. It’s actually Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen. In this case, Seth is Dame Judy Dench, because Jonah “Gives off a Halle Berry vibe.” Goofing off aside, they are there to present the Best Sound Editing Award to The Bourne Ultimatum.
10:05 PM
• “Halle Berry and “Dame Judy Dench” once again fight over who is hotter and give the award for Best Sound Mixing to The Bourne Ultimatum. Double prizes abound.
10:07 PM
• Another montage. The Oscar committee has decided to be kind and give its audience a chance to take a pee break.
10:09 PM
• Forest Whitaker presents the upset award for Best Actress to Marion Cotillard, who is adorably speechless and accented. The broadcast is then annoyingly rewound and told from another point of view with gratuitous explosions.
10:17 PM
• Jon Stewart plays Wii tennis against the soloist form August Rush and loses. “Am I supposed to be winded?”
10:18 PM
• Colin Farrell, who seems to have borrowed Daniel Day-Lewis’s hair, comes on stage and presents the song “Falling Slowly” from Irish indie Once – my personal favorite in the category, although chances for winning against Enchanted are slim. The performance is fantastic.
10:22 PM
• Jack Nicholson swaggers onto the stage and rasps something about how movies are awesome escapism and bring us all together. Whatever. It’s Jack. He presents the Best Picture montage of movies I’ve never seen.
10:27 PM
• Renee Zelwegger’s shoulders present the ward for Best Film Editing to The Bourne Ulitmatum. The room, once again, is pissed that the trilogy has pulled off what the Godfather couldn’t: having the third of the trilogy win Oscars.
10:30 PM
• Jon Stewart jokes that someone just won the Oscar pool on a guess for the Bourne Ultimatum, and gives props for the orchestra, who have been doing a great job.
10:31 PM
• Nicole Kidman presents the Honorary Oscar to Robert Boyle after a gratuitous montage. The 98-year-old is helped on stage by two beautiful woman and receives a statuette. He is most certainly getting laid later. It is a good night for Robert Boyle, who gives a lovely speech.
10:41 PM
• Stewart jokes that the show needs to be restarted, and then presents Penelope Cruz. The men in the room proceed to drool as she presents the Best Foreign Language Film to The Counterfeiters from Austria.
10:44 PM
• The “versatile and handsome” Patrick Dempsey presents the final song nominated for Best Song, called “So Close,” from Enchanted. The singer has no diction skills, and we care even less about this nominated song.
10:50 PM
• John Travolta’s dye job presents the upset award of Best Song to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova for “Falling Slowly.” They adorably accept the award and tell people to make art. The orchestra then cuts off Marketa before she even starts to talk. The orchestra is obviously not happy with Enchanted losing and proceeds to cut Marketa off before she gets to thank anyone.
10:52 PM
• Jon Stewart announces that a Boeing 737 with California plates has left its lights on. John Travolta’s dye job dashes across the stage to turn them off. Well played.
10:56 PM
• Jon Stewart brings out Marketa Irglova to give her thanks and tells her to “enjoy her moment.” She gives credit to all struggling independent musicians, and tells everyone to keep on, and hope connects everyone.
10:58 PM
• Cameron Diaz has trouble pronouncing words, but manages to spit out that the winner for Best Cinematography is There Will Be Blood, garnering shock out of the whole room.
11:01 PM
• Hilary Swank introduces the death montage.
11:08 PM
• Amy Adams presents the award for Best Original Score to typewriter-utilizing score of Atonement. I am insanely thrilled.
11:11 PM
• Tom Hanks, who “has no place being here,” presents a video from Baghdad, where the soldiers present the award for Best Documentary Short to Freeheld. Perhaps the coolest presentation I’ve seen in a long time. The directors are crying and grateful, and Ryan who would love them to shut up.
11:15 PM
• Tom Hanks continues on to present the award for Best Documentary Feature to Taxi to the Dark Side, a documentary about the torture of prisoners of war.
11:18 PM
• Best Song montage with Elton John. The consensus of Das Boot’s lounge is that Elton John’s glasses get gayer and gayer.
11:24 PM
• Harrison Ford walks out to the tune of Indiana Jones’ theme. He (slowly) presents the award of Best Original Screenplay to Diablo Cody for Juno (!!!). She dedicates the award to the writers, the fellow nominees, who she worships, the “superhuman” Ellen Page, director Jason Reitman, and her family.
11:28 PM
• Montage time of Best Actor winners gone by.
11:30 PM
• Helen Mirren, the classiest woman in the world, says “cajones.” And “sex.” The room agrees that she could read the phone book and we’d be rapt with attention and falling at her feet. She then presents the Best Actor award to Daniel Day-Lewis. Mirren knights Day-Lewis with the Oscar. He thanks the Academy for knighting him with the “handsomest bludgeon in town.” He thanks his wife, the writers, and Paul Dano. He accepts it in honor of his boys, his father, and his grandfather.
11:39 PM
• Director montage, kicked off by Walter Mathau and Jack Lemon and ending with Martin Scorcese wining. Last year’s (finally) winner Scorcese presents the Best Directing award to the Coen Brothers. Joel says: “I don’t have a lot to add to what I said earlier. Thank you.” Ethan thanks everyone for “letting them play in their corner of the sandbox.”
11:44 PM
• Denzel Washington has no hair. Oh, and he presents the award for Best Picture to No Country for Old Men. The Coen Brothers, who just won for directing, just chilled out backstage and got a drink before coming back out for this one. All parties are thrilled, as is Hank. The rest of us called this years ago.
• “With the opportunity of making movies comes the responsibility of making them good.” – Sydney Pollack, quoted by Paul Rudin.
11:47 PM
• Jon Stewart says goodnight.