Jesus Christ is Not A Weapon: The LOST Season Finale Blog

In lieu of flashing you news (or anything else), I've decided to blog some Lost. Here we go. Brace yourselves, this will probably be even longer than that Oscar blog. Please note there are two parts, both are long, and THIS IS THE FIRST PART OF THE EPISODE.
9:00 PM EST
Previously on Lost. Bad things happened, there was a press converence where as Gregory House would put it, "everybody lies,", and Jack HAS TO GO BACK!
9:02 PM EST
Jack and that ugly beard he borrowed from Season 2 Jack Bristow are getting yelled at by Kate to go back for believing someone named Jeremy (to keep her and Aaron safe). She slaps him. Aaron wonders why Jack isn't there to read to him. Things obviously didn't end well in the "last 3 years." (YAY for a time span!)
9:04 PM EST
Back to the island in the jungle where Jack and Sawyer look for what Lapedus told them . Hurly seemingly takes a pee in the woods and is very excited to see them both. They end in this treehouse-looking thing where Locke is.
9:05 PM EST
Desmond is on the boat looking at wiring and enough C-4 to "blow up a bloody aircraft carrier." He has training with them from the army. He and Jin and Michael are looking at the equipment and notice it can go off remotely. Jin asks to turn it off, but clearly it's not that easy. The wiring is complex and interconnected in a way that would be almost impossible to disconnect without "boom," as Jin puts it. Dramatic music ensues and fades to black
9:07 PM EST
Title card and that creepy whistle. Apparently this broadcast is brought to you by Ford. My first water break of the next two hours.
9:09 PMP EST
Back to the dharma station below Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, and Locke. Locke wants to speak privately, but Jack says hells no and Hurley advises against it because the helicopter is not the best plan. Locke looks knowing and evil.
9:10 PM EST
Ben in handcusffs with the Ugandan soldier in the woods. Soldier (lead) wonders why Whidmore wants him alive if he paid so much. Ben wonders why he killed his daughter. They see Lapedus trying to free himself and they get ready to shoot Kate who is running through tall grass (bad idea). She tells them her name and her status as a passenger, she's being chased. The soldiers disperse, but The lead stays and is ready to shoot her and Ben if shit goes down. Whispers aboud in the woods (bad sign), someone takes out one of the soldiers with a gross sounding blood spurt (Foley guys? Props), another takes out a different soldier. Clearly, they are on Ben and Kate's side, but you can't see who they are. They quickly take out the soldiers with tazers and bullets from behind the grass as Ben and Kate decide to make a break for it. A soldier blows up from a grenade.
9:13 PM EST
Kate is running. Ben is running. Soldiers are running. Ben trips. Dramatic music. Sayid attacks the soldier from the tree which he falls out of. Fighting ensues, but Said manages to stab him. More fighting. Sayid grabs a big stick and gets a few good wacks in before the soldier tries to choke him and before he manages to choke my Iraqi Love, the creepy ageless guy Richard Alpert shoots the soldierin the back. His band of others comes to reveal themselves as the aides to Kate, ben, and Sayid. The lead soldier is dead. Kate lets Ben out of the cuffs (I wouldn't), and Ben gives Kate and Sayid the go-ahead to the helicopter and to get off. That's it. Cue commercial violins.
9:15 PM EST
Commercial for Hancock, which I want to see. I dash to the bathroom so I miss nothing. I get back in time for commercials for The Mole - which isn't significant, but I thought I would mention it.
9:18 PM EST
Hurley attempts to unwrap some sort of generic fruit roll-up as we're at the mental clinic of the future. A woman asks him if he's Hurley and if he's dangerous. He says yes and he's confused. Apparently, he knows her grandson...WALT! Who is older! He promises not to do anything crazy. Walt walks over to him, sits down (scared of Hurley). Hurley comments he's gotten big. Walt is disappointed that he didn't come to see him, which Hurley apologizes for. Walt got a visit from Jeremy _____ (didn't catch the last name). Walt doesn't understand why the Oceanic Six has lied. They lied to protect everyone who didn't come back. Like Walt's dad Michael, which both confirm. Walt doesn't seem satisfied.
9:20 PM EST
Hurley is still eating 15-year-old Dharma Saltines (nice paralell, between eating and eating). Sawyer wonders what they're talking about in the Greenhouse Treehouse. Hurley asks if Claire and the baby were okay. Sawyer doesn't answer. Jack and Locke talk, Locke wants Jack to stay on the island. Jack says no and says that Locke got most of his people killed. Locke says "let bygones be bygones." Locke tells Jack he's supposed to stay on the island, and Jack mocks him and his ideas of destiny. He says if Jack leaves the island, he'll be haunted by that decision until he decides to come back. Jack blows him off and says bye. Locke says he'll have to lie about everything when he returns to the real world. "It's the only way to pretect it." Locke says "It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen. And if you can't believe that, just wait to see what I'm about to do." Jack doesn't believe in miracles despite the whole not being crippled thing that Locke has been exhibiting since their rough landing. Ben crashes the party, Jack points a gun and Ben quips "Nice to see you too, Jack." He quickly finds the flowers that Locke can't find, pulls up a secret door, tells Jack that Sayid and Kate are waiting at the helicopter, and he won't fill them in. Ben tells Jackto get on the boat and says good bye, as he and Locke enter the Greenhouse. Locke tells Jack to lie to everyone back home like he lies to himself. They share a tense glare through glass as a creaky elevator takes them down to the bowels of the Orchid. Creak to commercial.
9:25 PM EST
Verizon commercial/water break. I come back in time for a Lycira commercial.
9:28 PM EST
Michael drags around some nitrogen. Sun asks him what's up, and Michael says that as long as the nitrogen does its job (I'm assuming in freezing the bombs), everyone will be fine. She tells Mike she's preggers, and he smiles and tells her congrats. She smiles and walks away.
9:29 PM EST
The boys are with the bombs, and Desmond questions Michael's intentions with the nitrogen. He explains that if he sprays the battery with the nitrogen, it'll freeze and there will be no power to the bomb. The catch? There's only one can. If the battery light turns red, they're screwed. They decide to go for it, and begin to douse teh battery.
9:30 PM EST
Heroic music. The raft comes back to the beach with Farraday onboard. He comes ashore, back for more passengers to the freighter, and tells Juliet he's going to get the next group and some water. Juliet thanks him for the help and he says no prob. He looks coniving.
9:31 PM EST
Miles eats Rose's peanuts. She's not happy. He asks permission late, but Rose will be keeping her eye on him. Charlotte and Farraday and Miles all plot. Charlotte must be on the raft for some reason, but Miles is left out. Miles is surprised Charlotte wants to leave, because she really wanted to get back to the island. "What do I mean?" I guess that's another mystery for another time.
9:32 PM EST
Rather than dying a dramatic Alias death in the elevator shaft, Ben and Locke are still on the elevator to the "deep" station they're fast approaching. The elevator door opens and into the dark tunnel they go (no, that's not a euphemism). As it turns out, the station has a TV. Locke is surprised. It's not the "magic box," according to Ben, and he starts turning on some lights. All the Dharma stations are meant for "experiments," but Ben won't elaborate past that and simply hands him a Dharma video to answer some questions as he "takes care of some business." Locke sits down to 6 of 6 of the orientation with the 15 bunny with Dr. Hallowax (that Asian guy). It's "The Orchid," and the island has a "casamere effect" which allows Dharma to experiemt with space and time. The door is a vault opposite negatively charged matter. No organic materials in the chamber. He puts the bunny in there to demonstrate how bad this shit here. Metallic objects must never be put in it. Despite this, Ben throws in a garbage can and a few metal chairs for good measure.
9:35 PM EST
He tries watch the video, but before he can see some bloody bunnies and smug Asian men, it rewinds and won't work. Anne, would this be the video you found online where it worked and the bunny disappeared? My favorite exchange so far takes place:
Locke "Is he talking about what I think he's talking about?"
Ben "If you're talking about time-traveling bunnies? Yes."
Ben puts in metal, even though Locke advises against it. Suddnely, the door closes, the elevator goes up, and Someone unexpected is obviously on their way to harm them. Ben asks Locke for his weapon back. Crick to commercial.
9:37 PM EST
Commercial break. I really hate those "5 dollar foot long" commercials. I can never tell if it's a sandwich or a male prostitute they're advertising. Although I do love the "you neglected to mention the sleeper sofa" commercial where for Dunkin' Donuts and the Scorpion bite commercial for the new Moto phone.
9:41 PM EST
Hurley, Sawyer, and Jack make their way to the helicopter where Kate and Sayid are unlocking Lapedus. They hug. Sawyer askss which of the soldiers "Freckles" killed. Kate asks Jack if he's okay, he says he is now that she's there. Somewhere, Kristyne is yelling "WHORE!" at her television. Lapedus apparently is trapped in industrial handcuffs, as they try to saw them off. They are finally free. They want to "get the hell out of here!" I wonder in awe how one Band-aid has managed to hang on to Lapedus's forehead. Because I know when I cut myself? Those things fall off real fast. Anyway. Lapedus tells them to keep their limbs inside the vehicle and yells "LET'S GO FOR A RIDE!" Heroic music swells, all are happy to leave, and the helicopter gets up in the sky with a lovely island vista.
9:44 PM EST
Back at The Orchid, bad shit is about to go down. The bastard soldier (hereafter known as BS) was NOT DEAD (he got better) and is waiting to take out Ben with his knife. Ben is conveniently hiding in a vent somewhere. BS says that Ben's boyfriend Locke shot him in the back, but his body armor caught it. He takes off his jacket and tells him about the "life-insurance policy" on his arm. It's a heartrate monitor that CONTROLS THE C-4 on the boat. Meaning that if he dies? Boom goes the boat. He taunts Ben with how his Daughter dies. locke comes out and puts his hands up. He introduces himself as someone with no conflict with BS. He asks BS to put his knife down so they can talk. BS is not for that. Ben comes out of the vent and starts whooping some ass. He stabs him in the neck, which is a dumb move. Locke yells at him for being so careless and the heart monitor goes crazy. The following exchange is, well, exchanged:
Locke "You just killed everyone on that boat!
Ben "So?"
9:47 PM EST
I slam my desk in frustration as a commercial break comes with no crick of music. I run for water #3. As I walk by the window, I notice that I have "Fever" hair, which excites me to no end.
9:51 PM EST
Farraday gets Charlotte and tries to tell her something, but she tells him she's not going, and that nothing is forever. She wants to stay because "would it make any sense if I was still looking for where I was born?" He tells her no, they hug, and she says goodbye. He looks after her longingly and starts to walk back to the others getting on the raft. Juliet also declines leaving unless everyone else is safely off the island. She'll be there when he gets back, which he doubts he'll ever do. People are ready to boat off to the boat with the bomb, which...I wouldn't. "Off we go," Farraday says.
9:53 PM EST
The boys are still spraying the battery. Desmond goes to cut a wire, but Jin tells him to stop and how they're still connected. It's not safe yet. There's 1/4 tank of liquid nitrogen left, and they ponder how to get everyon eoff the boat if they can't disable the bomb.
9:54 PM EST
'Copter time! Everyone is enjoying the view, but the fuel quantity is going down and going QUICK. They look outside to see if they see anything, but there's a fuel leak. Jack yells at him to look for the boat because there's no fuel on the island and then the helicopter's useless. They toss out "everything that's not bolted down" (other than themselves). This means supplies, but he wants another few hundred pounds off. Hurley looks guiltily at his stomach and looks like he's about to jump. Sawyer whispers to Kate, she asks "why are you telling me this," and he proceeds to kiss her in front of Jack, tells her to "Just do it Freckles," and Sawyer jumps out of the helicopter. This is the promise she made to Sawyer, obviously, and he is safe and off the helicopter for the weight problem. He swims back to the island. Kate cries. Fade to black.
9:57 PM EST
Commercial for Wall-E. I really don't Car-E, so I go to Pe-E. On to hour 2 (or 3, if you watched the finale rerun) of the Lost extravaganza!