Correction.

In the graphic for the potential room that Kristyne & I are rooming in (which we are, we got Bogart 209, in case you didn't read that last post), I spelled her name wrong.
Which...only she noticed.
So yeah. It's spelled "KRISTYNE." Not how it is on the bed.
Capishe?
Capishe.
Kristyne? Get a life. ;D

Homer Should've Stuck With Poetry

This morning was perhaps the most scary experience of my life concerning the internet.
I got up around 6:30 to pick housing for me and Kristyne, with Kristyne providing emotional support via IM (and later my loud-ass phone). The conversation went something like this:
Kristyne: i feel like singing the final countdown
Kristyne: it calms me
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh
Alex: Um...
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh duh
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh duh duh
Alex: I like how you only know the synth line.
Kristyne: its the final countdown!
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh

I made it into the system no problem at 7 (a little slow, but that's to be expected with basic internet and everyone on the server at once). I got to the room - slowly - and clicked to confirm it. And then the unthinkable happened.
The connection timed out.
In the middle of it confirming our room, with 3 minutes left on the grace period.
The connection timed out.
Naturally, I was pissed. Kristyne chose this time to call (waking up Callie) and I proceeded to curse her out and hang up out of anger and fear of not getting the damn room. I clicked refresh, I went on Safari AND Firefox at the same time AND turned on Callie's computer, willing to exploit her free internet to try and get us the room.
As soon as I turned back around, it said the room was confirmed.
That was my cardio for the day.

Bogart and Boys. Ooh La La.

So last night was the Top Chef gathering in Das Boothroyd, this time with less people (Hotel Cafe was performing downtown in the Commons, so Ryan, Danielle, Kelly, Anne, and others were there). This week it was just me, Kristyne, Joanna, and Autumn. The boys were there too, AJ, Brad, and another (whose name escapes me) were there for Ghost Hunters. There was some weirdness when Brad left, because he was really only there for 15 minutes (which is kind of a walk to be there that short of a time; Boothroyd is nice, but kind of isolated from the rest of the dorms). He left, started IMing Joanna, and we got back to watching Top Chef (and gossiping about boys, or our lack thereof).

We also got down to planning our plan of attack for picking rooms. Since we're all trying to live in the same dorm next year, we were picking out which room each of us would have. It doesn't seem like that huge of a deal, and normally, it wouldn't matter to me what room I get, so long as we're on the same floor (or at very very least, all in the same building). The situation is this: the dorm we're going for (Bogart) has two sides - one with a view of the parking lot, the other with a view of the lower quad (which is pretty nice, save for Friday and Saturday nights). So obviously, Kristyne & I are gunning for the side with the quad view (other you're facing the tennis court, Emerson, the parking lot, and the bus stop/cab stop). The other problem is if we all go for the same room, it slows up the system and then we'll all miss out. So if we settle which room we're going to try to get, there will be less hassle and more chance that we'll get it. Because we all know that Homer is a temperamental system, and the less we hassle him/it, the better chance we have.
There's also the concern of having enough rooms on the floor for all of us. I believe that there are 5 sets of girls in our group trying to get rooms (when there are 6 rooms left, and this is hoping that we pick soon enough. One set of girls already picked, because they do it by semesters and they had APs out the yin-yang). So having a set strategy is key. The boys don't have the same problem; there are less rooms for them, but there are really only 2 or 3 sets of guys going from our group onto this floor. And one set has already picked. So really, they have carte blanche.
Wish us luck!

Divine Documentaries, Petty Thievery, and Priestly Puns

My Academic Writing professor is a petty thief.

The class started with us talking to our professor, Joshua (whose last name I'll just say is Pederson) about the movie we were going to watch, the crazy Christian documentary Jesus Camp, when Lena burst through the door with a half-eaten apple and an apology for coming in late.

"There was a long line at the coffee shop, and this guy at the front of the line was having problems with his credit for like 10 minutes, and I almost left, but I was there drinking my coffee, and I figured I should probably pay for the coffee," she said.

"Oh. Yeah, I stole mine the other day," Joshua said, shocking the whole class. "What? I was going to be late for class!"

After this, he decided to introduce the documentary Jesus Camp, mentioning that they do go to the mega church in Colorado Springs to see Ted Haggerty before "the sex scandal brought him to his knees...That was the worst word choice ever, sorry." He blushed furiously, sat down, and then started up the movie.



The movie starts off talking about politics being entwined with religion. It then launches into a battle-themed God dance and kids dancing in tounges, with Becky Fischer talking about how a little girl was totally aware and was "hooking up with the Holy Spirit." Ooh la la. She goes on to proclaim that she needs to teach these students to combat the evil forces in the world, like the children being trained "to blow themselves up for the cause of Islam."

"We need to stand up and take back the land," she says.

Then kids start popping up saying when they got saved, and how they're not shy when they're "with the Holy Spirit." It then follows rat-tailed Levi to his home schooling saying that Global Warming isn't true because the temperature has only gone up .6 degrees, and how creationism is the only way. Science isn't proven.

75% of all home-schooled kids in the US are evangelical Christians. And "there are two kinds of people in this world: those who love Jesus, and those who don't."

Rachael prays to the Lord for a strike, gives a slut at the bowling alley a pamphlet, and says that she wants to be a nail cosmetologist so she can tell people about the Lord and being saved while she's giving them a candy apple red manicure. She doesn't care about being called weird, because "they're not judging me in the end."

Another little blond loves Christian heavy metal, and doesn't like how Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears sing about boys and girls, because "she doesn't believe in that." That one might be on to something, but still funny. She then goes downstairs with her brothers and sisters to pledge allegiance to the Christian nation and the Bible rather than the American flag.

Her mother feels that her daughter is "on loan from God," and that she needs to be trained in character. Which makes sense. But if she's on loan, do her parents need to pay interest? Does she build up good credit with the Lord?

The kids all pack up their leotards and prophecy dance stuff and flashlights and bibles for "Kids on Fire" camp in South Dakota, so they can be educated. They go to dance to God techno that proclaims that "JC is in da house!" and that they're "kickin' it for Christ!" This leads into a speech about how the Devil tempts children with sin, starting from when they're little and sin seems inconsequential.

Then she starts talking about Harry Potter is sinful, and how "YOU DON'T MAKE HEROES OUT OF WARLOCKS!" Lena promptly screams and runs out of the room.

She starts calling kids hypocrites when they say one thing at Church and another at school. She then proceeds to re-baptize and cleanse them with a bottle of Nestle water, because Aquafina is the water of the devil. The kids cry and they are told to go pray and repent.

A little kid starts talking about how he feels guilty about not believing the Bible because he can't see or hear God. He then proceeds to channel God on stage.

There's a lightning storm and the kids start making ghost stories and animal stories and weird belly ripples by flash light. The chaperone puts them back to bed and tells them to stop telling ghost stories because they don't honor God.

The head of the camp sets about to editing her font on the PowerPoint to Chiller, saying "DEATH." She busts out the fig-leaved Barbie and Ken "Adam and Eve" dolls, and shows how faith will blow life into people, like the balloon she starts blowing up. There's something with a Jell-o mold of a brain and a sticky hand that will stick to the ideas of God. And then like every other Pizza Hut sticky hand, they'll come into contact with the dirty floor and won't stick to anything.

The kids at the lunch table talk about how Harry Potter is prohibited for witch craft, which upsets Lena. One kid gleefully says "I watch it at my dad's!"

Rachael loves "being in the presence of God." She talks about dead churches that have a few songs and a sermon (like mine!), and how God wants to go to churches where people seize and jump up and down and praise his name.


Little Levi is assigned to preach, and starts writing up what he's going to yell at his peers about how this generation is going to bring Jesus back. Which is awesome, but very very scary. God writes the sermon through his arm, and how the Holy Spirit will be coming out of him when he preaches. Kids need to get up off the couch, and not to let Satan get them off. Or something. I could've misquoted that.

They go off to go hammer on ghosts. They go hammer on cups labeled "government" and "break the power of the devil in this nation in the name of Jesus." The kids yell Jesus and cry and cheer on their camp mates as they smash more pottery.

The camp leader tells them it's not about speed, it's about strength. There are more tears, and the kids are told to pray it out. They raise their hands and speak in tongues and cry and are cheered on while doing so. They're advocated to make war with prophecies. I don't think that Jesus would advocate war. Call me crazy and unbelieving and Catholic. But I don't think that's what he was going for.

Pan to Levi throwing stones. He feels like encountering non-Christians "makes his soul feel yucky." He compares it to wanting junky candy and the meat of the Holy Spirit.

"I don't want the candy, I want the meat," he says. "I wouldn't be different from other kids if they did their calling. America is supposed to be God's nation. And then things just started twisting around. And now a lot of people in America aren't following God," he says disapprovingly.

George W. Bush's cardboard cut-out is blessed in tongues by the little kids. "MR. PRESIDENT! ONE NATION UNDER GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Screaming and cheering ensues. The collective town of Ithaca puts its head in its hands.

A speaker comes, usually talking to older people, and tells them that God knew them before they were born. "You weren't just a piece of protoplasm. Whatever that is." He tells Levi that God planned out his life, and how he wouldn't sell out in his teens. He'd stay with God. Levi thinks it's "pretty cool."

We take a pause, and then skip to the scene in Colorado Springs with Ted Haggerty. He says the Bible condemns homosexuality. He says that hookers are wrong (weeks before he was caught with one), and that in the home there should be a few core beliefs, and if so, freedom from Satan is guaranteed. They first pray for George W. Bush, who Haggerty advises every Monday morning.


Ted Haggerty explains that Levi will know what to talk about when he's 30, and then says that "kids are everything." He then condemns natural selection and public schools by saying that God loves everyone. He then starts talking about how evangelicals have the power to wrap up elections with their votes.

Thus proving that I am, in fact, going to Hell.

Cingular: No Longer Raising the Bar

The away message of Chelsea's being referred to: I just read an article that cell phone talking causes barely moving, hardly viable, and mutated sperm: Maybe you guys should put your phones in your back pockets and not the front beside them instead.

Me: And I just read your away message and that's hilarious.
Chelsea: That's not HILARIOUS! That's scary!
Me: It is too. We're coming up with a population of sterile young men!
Chelsea: I want my man READY
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Chelsea: And each time I want to know the kids I may get are NORMAL.
Chelsea: If I have an abnormal child because he was chatting the night away, I'll be upset.
Chelsea: If my daughter has Downs or is stupid or ugly or something all because his Envy was too close to the boys....
Chelsea: I would be very, very sad.
Me: I just laughed really really loud right then and I'm glad my roommate's not here.Because Dave in Troy could've heard my snort.
Chelsea: haha I'm glad I could help
Chelsea: Dr. Fisch explains: "You can tell a man's testosterone level very easily -- the bigger the belly, the lower testosterone level."
Me: That's good to know.
Chelsea: Look at my skinny lanky willowy Manly Man any differently now?!
Chelsea: Rawrrrrrr!
Chelsea: lol
Me: Get him a wristlet to keep his phone far away from his crotch.
Chelsea: lol
Me: Tell him to put it across the room for safety's sake.
Chelsea: Cuz he'd use THAT.
Me: Yeah.
Chelsea: And he'll want to know why.
Chelsea: And when I say I'm worried about his sperm, where does THAT convo go?!
Chelsea: lol nooooo thanks.
Me: "Look, Kev, I know you like the sensation of your phone vibrating in your front pocket, but my ova are not waiting for just ANYONE, and Cingular is shrinking your bars, so could you move it? Kay, thanks."
Me: Cingular is no longer raising the bar.
Chelsea: ALEX!
Chelsea: There are many innuendos in that!
Chelsea: Nicely done!

You heard her, boys. Move your phone to the back pocket so that the human race can live on.

Anne Almost LOST Her Mind

Tonight was odd in the way that there was no Simple Soup Supper like usual at chapel. And I didn't go to Holy Thursday mass because my class got out late. So I instead went back to my room to finish my Freud paper (see the last post for some details on that one) and figure out where I would be watching LOST (or if I would be watching it). Originally, I was going to watch it with Matt, Amanda, and Kristin. But as it turns out, Anne was just going to be "A little bit late," which in this case meant that she wasn't back until the beginning of Eli Stone. Kelly graciously hosted me in their room to watch the show - she intended on watching it anyway, so the two of us actually got to talk during it since Kristyne was out watching Miss Pettigrew (see a few posts ago for my review of it) and Anne was photo-ing.

So since they both were not there - and really, Anne is obsessed and takes it very seriously - Kelly and I decided to mess with her and Kristyne because they weren't there. This was the text message to her:
Sawyer is dead. Kate and Claire made a love pact that Kate would take care of Aaron. They kissed.
The text message to Anne was simpler: Sawyer is dead.
About 20 minutes and 5 frantic text messages later, we get a jittery and distressed phone call from Anne, asking if it was true. I laughed and hung up. She next called Kelly, who was calmer and told Anne that Sawyer was dead and that Miles had shot him.
It was quite effective. She continued to text for the remainder of the hour until we finally texted her and told her it was complete bullshit and Sawyer was safe and sound (for this week, at least).
She came back about a half hour later and gave us hugs, admitting that had we not told her the truth (or had Sawyer actually died and had we ruined it for her), she fully intended on coming through the door and punching us both in our respective jaws.
So here's to you, Anne. Thank you for not punching us in the jaws.
Krystine is still pissed.

I Want Your Freud

So the Global Studies midterm wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be. Seriously. The essay was a little long, and I think I might've missed a rival theory to Putnam, but I really didn't think it was too hard. With finished, I started out writing this paper on Freud's Dora: An Analysis of a Case of Hysteria (which I am 3.5 pages into and I planned on doing 4.5ish, so really, not doing too horribly there). And let me say...I am quite confused.

Basically, he's saying that kids and women fake sick to get their parents and husbands love. Which makes sense. He also says that the main story has an odd dream about her running out of the house saving her jewelry box. Which has something to do with losing her virginity to her dad's mistress's husband, bed wetting, and oral fixation. And her distracted playing with her belt means that she likes to masturbate, apparently.
This was around the time I was fiddling with the highlighter and my hand and promptly stopped.
It's...a weird book, and I don't think I can look at Dora the same way again.
And I thought her jumping the fence was bad. Ooh, goodness.

Toast vs. Vehicular Manslaughter

A conversation between me and Tucker during my Academic Writing class, concerning Tucker auditioning for Rocky Horror back in Newark.

Tucker: seriously
Tucker: i'd be awesome at it
Alex: I think you would.
Alex: And it would give me incentive for aiming my toast
better.
Tucker: yeah
Tucker: don't throw things at the cast or the screen
Tucker: because the cast is expensive and the screen will
Tucker: FUCK
Tucker: YOU
Tucker: UP
Tucker: without even smearing its makeup
Alex: Yup.
Tucker: so yeah
Tucker: throw toast at me and i'll make you pay
Alex: I won't throw it at you.
Tucker: good
Alex: I'll throw it near you and it will happen to hit you.
Alex: Slightly.
Tucker: ahhh
Tucker: just like my car will drive near you and happen to
run you down
Alex: That's a bit violent for a stale piece of bread at
the head
Tucker: exactly
Tucker: i escalate
Alex: From a friendly taunt to vehicular manslaughter?
Tucker: yup

This has been a conversation between me and Tucker during my Academic Writing class, concerning Tucker auditioning for Rocky Horror back in Newark.

That's What Jesus Said.

Alex: So [my palm branch cross] is ghetto, and I cheated on Corinne's, and I totally missed the homily because I was wrestling with exotic tree leaves instead of listening to the word.
Alex: Reason #9847938 that I'm going to hell.
Alex: Reason #9847937 that I'm going to hell was me and Corinne stifling a giggle when father was reading the Passion and got to the part where the cock crowed.
Alex: At least I have my sis to keep me company in the raging inferno.
Alex: How's that makeup working?
*pregnant pause*
Alex: You're appalled, I can feel it.
Chelsea: You laughed about the cock crowing?
Chelsea: I don't get it.
Alex: Don't worry about it and move on.
Alex: How's the Happy Harry's makeup?
Chelsea: Were you two giries thinking cock as in anatomy and not as in fowl?
Alex: Perhaps.
Alex: Way to evade the make-up question.
Alex: (And she started it)
Alex: Little sisters, gosh they can be horrible.
Alex: See, that's why you don't go see Rocky Horror the night before Palm Sunday. It's problems waiting to happen.
Alex: And then you're tired all mass because you only got 3 hours of sleep, so really, everything at that point is funny when you're tired.
Chelsea: Well i mean if they're excited enough they kind of do....
Chelsea: But that is NOT what your pastor meant!!

Kymera, Kymera, WHAT?

So after that lengthy trip home (see the previous blog to see how that one went), Chelsea & Isha & I decided that the best way to celebrate spring break was to join in on a guard competition. We got there around 9:30, just in time to see the athletic director, Mr. Kelly, reem out Rena & Michelle yet again for "not reserving the time for the gym." I decided to chat up the girls around the floor as they fought (again; this is a common issue. The athletic directors don't have respect for the guard, and when they reserve the gym for practice, they are traditionally bumped in favor of Science Olympiad or something else that could easily use a lab or the lobby) and take copious amounts of pictures, which you can find on my Facebook page as the last 4 albums.
Yes. 4. And yes, I do have a problem.
Moving on.

In addition to being a competition day - the competition being at Kingsway Regional in Swedesboro, NJ - it was also Claire's birthday (I believe it was her 17th, but I couldn't tell you for sure). After taking a quick "pony ride" at Happy Harry's (a rocking horse), Rena & Michelle ordered pizzas and revealed that they had bought a birthday cake with Bob Saget on the top - a lovely touch if I may say so myself (this all started when Claire & Kylie saw his name in Abington at a competition last year, and he quickly became the doer of all good and sexy in the world).

After enjoying all that - and a few acrobatics to add in - we loaded up the bus and went to Swedesboro (and the girls were totally right, the bus driver was a creeper). Got out in the rain, helped the drumline unload their crap (well, in theory. Chels & I stayed in the room talking to resident guard mama Ms. Laura and taking even more pictures. The girls got back and we decided to perform Andy Carp's rendition of Romeo & Juliet with Katrina & Gabby A filling in for the two lovers. If you want an idea of how that went, here's the link:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1005491450838
(I highly suggest it)

So after watching the drumline perform (which was awesome, good job to all), the guard went on. I thought it was a fantastic performance with a few minor drops, the judges put them in the low 60s, which I think is an insult to them. They got second place out of two (which is understandable, the guard they competed against is 3rd in the division, while at the time, Kymera was in 11th. They're now in 4th).

While the judging and other performances were going down (APEX was a highlight), we took the traditional ugly/crazy face pictures in the stands and waited to see how the guards did. We then got on the bus (again, with the creepy driver and the drumline) and had a dance party on the way over the Delaware Memorial Bridge (the Del Mem Br around our parts) and got home at an early 10:30 - keep in mind that we usually get home around midnight or later.
Oh, it was a good Saturday. Go check out my Facebook for more (or check out all of Michelle's videos).

Dave & Nate's Excellent Adventure

So yesterday was the first day of spring break and naturally, I needed a ride home. So this time I decided to go with Dave and Nate (who lives in Media, PA near Swarthmore). They've done this before, and they've always been fine doing it. With the exception of our hour-late start, we were doing okay.
And then we hit Scranton.
We missed a turn, and the boys didn't really notice that we missed the turn until an hour and a half later when we were 23 miles outside Harrisburg.
Oops.
It's not completely their fault, part of it was the pea-soup-thick fog, but seriously?
When you're driving alongside Hershey Park and you get home at 1 AM rather than 10 PM as planned? That's a problem. And that's why you GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ASK FOR FUCKING DIRECTIONS.
God. All the stereotypes about male navigational "skills" are totally true.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Kristyne: hows it going?
Alex: Not bad, I have to interview people for the Ithacan in an hour. What about yourself?
Kristyne:pretty good. lots of work, but i get to kill demons later so its pulling me through
Alex: ...kill demons? Video games?
Kristyne:hahaha yes!
Alex: Good, I was confused there for a minute.
Kristyne: hahah. no i'm a secret exorcist
Alex: Kick ass.
Kristyne:
You know it. I'm like Constantine. But better.
Alex: Awesome, because I heard there are ghosts that hang out in Bogart's TV lounge, and I would think those would get old when I'm trying to write a paper and they're reaping metaphysical havoc on my dorm.
Kristyne: Yeah, don't worry. Once I get there, they'll pee their ghostly pants and run away.
Alex: Do ghosts wear pants? Because I don't want ghoul piddle all over my carpet. Kaboom! alone doesn't get that out, you know.
Kristyne: No worries, its magical. Therefore it's magically removed with the powers I posses.
Alex: Oh, good. I don't think ResLife would appreciate stains on the carpet from dorm ghosts.
Kristyne: Well, what would they rather have? And are you serious about this ghost rumor?
Alex: About as serious as you are being a closet exorcist. Which is to say, not at all.
Kristyne: Oh, okay. Damn, I thought we could use that for our show next year.
Alex: Maybe. We could fake it.
Kristyne: I think that's what we're gonna do mostly.
Alex: Cool.
Kristyne: I can't wait for next year!
Alex: None of us can! I was talking to Autumn and Joanna the other day at lunch and they were psyched.
Kristyne: Yeah like we really all are
Alex: For sure.
Kristyne: If we put all of our excitement in a bomb, it could wipe out the entire world.
11:21
Alex Palombo
Russia would be nuking us right now if we dropped that bomb.
Like, Kim Jong Il would be like, "Shit, why didn't I have that bomb?"
Kristyne: Russia would be dead!
Alex: Russia would be no more.
Kristyne: We're weapons of the state.

I wanted to post the rest, because it was really really funny, but I fear that people might interpret it as a terroristic threat, and really, I love my college and I don't want to get either of us kicked out for a dumb joke misinterpreted as more. So if you really want to find out the rest, please, let me know.