Friday, September 5, 2008

Only Smokey Can Prevent Pot Fires

Let us all take a minute to salute our black bear narcs.

Today in Utah, a black bear in Panguitch found a HUGE stash of pot in the mountains. 888 plants and 4,000 starter kits were found. Garfield County Sheriff Danny Perkins remarked that "Our country is so tough on drugs that even the wildlife are getting in on the action." Apparently, the black bear came back to the site many times and scared the growers away.

Maybe Colbert was right. Maybe bears ARE the number one threat.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

WE HAVE TO GO BACK!: The Lost Season Finale Blog

10:00 PM EST
My TV glitches in a The Mole commercial. I get worried.
10:01 PM EST
Flash-forward to a Sayid assassination. Despite the fact he just offed some dude in his car, man looks good. He walks up the stairs of an apartment complex to an apartment where Hurley is contemplatin ga chessboard. I think it's Sayid's apartment, but I can't be sure. Sayid wants Hurley to go somewhere with him, but Hurley questions why. Sayid tells him the Jeremy (I think) guy commited suicide. They're being watched. Hurley is now paranoid and delusional. Sayid says that paranoia keeps him alive. Hurley asks him if they're going back, and this time it's safe. Hurley wins the chess game against...Mr. Eko (who he delusioned).
10:04 PM EST
Back to the 'copter, they can't find the freighter, and no one goes to jump off. Jeack tells Kate they'll go back for Sawyer, and Hurley finds the boat (good for him, he would've probably been the next one voted out).
10:05 PM EST
Locke is trying to help BS live with the monitor. Ben decides to be a prick and not help him out with keeping the boat intact. BS tells Ben something about Hurley, and Ben says "Not if I find him first." The Soldier dies.
10:06 PM EST
The Boys see the red light go off. I freak as my TV glitches. They resolve to get everyone off that boat, and Michael continues to spray the thing with liquid nitrogen (way to be unoriginal, JJ Abrams, they did that on Alias and Tom Grace STILL got blown to bits in the series finale). Desmond goes to get life jackets and sees the helicopter. "Bloody hell." He tells them to go back, it's not safe on there, but they think he's trying to wave them down. Desmond tells them there's a bomb, but Lapedus doesn't care and he puts the 'copter down. Michael still keeps spraying it, but the can runs out of nitrogen. Back on deck, Desmond warns them, Sun looks confused, and they try to get some fuel. Sun won't leave without Micahel, but she tells Sun to get on the helicopter and runs to find Michael.
10:08 PM EST
Michael runs out of nitrogen. Michael tells Jin to get the hell out, get Sun, and get off the boat. He does, and tells him good luck. The 'copter is leaving, and they leave without Jin (bastards). Only the Oceanic Six are on it. Sun goes for Jin, but the helicopter leaves without Jin as he waves it down on the deck. Sun screams for him, but Lapedus won't turn around for him.
10:09 PM EST
Michael and his special effects liquid nitrogen run out. But Christian appears to him and says "Your work here is done" right before the boat blows up just as I predicted it would. Jin dies right in front of Sun. She screams. The helicopter has issues. Crick to commercial.
10:10 PM EST
Water break. As I run up the stairs I hear "that's a sacrifice I have to make" and I dash in horror to my room thinking I missed something...only to find it's a commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios. Damn you, General Mills!
10:14 PM EST
Apparently there are 3 endings to Lost. And they'll be on GMA.
1014 PM EST
Sun is freaking out and wants to find Jin, but everyone is blown up and they continue on despite her screaming. Jack looks guiltly at the wreckage as Sun almost chokes Hurley in her desperation and sets Aaron off crying. Desmond is on the helicopter, does he survive? Lapedus is asked to fly them back to the island, which he agrees to. Sun screams NO!
10:15 PM EST
Businesswoman Sun is talking to her daughter Ji Yeon. She says goodbye as she sees a bunch of business men (including Whitmore). He asks how her dad is (a golfer who he owes dinner). She confronts him, but he claims ignorance. They share common interests, and "when you're ready to discuss them, call me. As you know, we're not the only ones who left the island." (!!!!!) He quickly turns her around and asks her why she wants to help him. She doesn't respond and keeps walking.
10:17 PM EST
Locke asks Ben why he killed BS even though it blew up the boat. His "bad emotional response" got him thinking off. Locke is his apparent successor, and he continues to put metal in the hatch. Another explosion. The two duck and are safe. The metal sparks in the chamber, and Ben goes to change. Because his clothes are all wrong for blowing shit up.
10:18 PM EST
Juliet and her Dharma tequila see a hot sexy man swimming to shore in little more than cargos. Turns out it's Sawyer. Somewhere in Massachusetts, Anne is drooling and pushing pause on her TiVo. She rolls her eyes (I would've jumped him). "Nice day for a swim!" he says. She asks him why he's back, but he doesn't give her a straight answer. Juliet is drinking away her sorrows at the boat blowing up, which Sawyer didn't notice in his breaststroke back to shore. Sawyer is sad.
10:19 PM EST
Commercial. It's the Coldplay one (or as Maddy would call them, "The Chris Martin Experience") for iTunes that I love.
10:22 PM EST
I Survived A Japanese Gameshow looks awesome. Just thought I'd share. Brings me back to watching Human Tetris clips on YouTube with Callie rather than studying.
10:24 PM EST
Orchid time. Ben throws on a down jacket. Ben is leaving for "somewhere cold," and Locke isn't going with him because Ben has to suffer the consequences of what Jacob intended. Apparently, whoever moves the island can never come back. Locke is supposed to get back up the Elevator and go meet Ben's people who know what's up and will be loyal to Locke. The two men shake hands and Ben apologizes for making Locke's life so miserable. Locke asks Ben what to tell them to do. Ben tells him "you find your way, John. You always do."
10:26 PM EST
Locke's in the jungle and finds Ben's people rip-roaring and ready to go with a campsight and everything. He is the new one. Richard Alpert is there and greets him with hsi band of haggard creepers. "Welcome home," Alpert says. Locke smiles.
10:26 PM EST
Ben looks through the wreckage of the metal and finds a wormhole which he crawls into. It leads him to a ladder to a deeper hole (to China? I don't know at this point). There's a blue glass botom, which he breaks. The ladder breaks, Ben is cut, and it looks hella cold down there. At first I thought it was Antarctica with Paolo, but I don't think that's it. Ben is bleeding. He finds some weird gears that are frozen over, and he looks up like it's an alter. He says "I hope you're happy now, Jacob," and proceeds to try to turn the knobs by breaking the ice with a cane/crobar. All 90 pounds of Ben isn't getting it to work, until he uses all his might and turns the things slowly.
10:29 PM EST
That loud metallic sound from the season 2 finale (with the blinding light? Remember?) starts to eminate to everyone else on the island. It throws off chopper and people on it, and Ben continues to turn it. A weird light is coming from it like it's Narnia or some shit. The blinding light is back from season 2. And POOF! The island is gone. Into the water. Like when you throw your toys in the lake and then they don't float like they think.
10:31 PM EST
This is not good for the chopper, they were looking to set down on the island, and now that it's gone, there's nowhere to land and the chopper decides that now is a good time to run out of fuel. Lifejackets are grabbed and people prepare to hit the water. The chopper hits a rough landing, and all I can think is that it's not good for Aaron. Crash to break.
10:32 PM EST
Commercial break/water break #4. I hope there's another commercial break around 10:45.
10:36 PM EST
Opening shot of water. And bubbles. And people. For a minute, Jack looks like the Evian ad in Zoolander (you know, MERMAN!). Jack surfaces to hear everyone yelling to make sure everyone else is okay. Surprisingly, Aaron grapsed the concept of holding his breath at the tender age of 5 weeks. They find Desmond not breathing and bleeding from the head. Jack tries to CPR him as everyone watches with hope. Desmond comes to and coughs up half an ocean as he does. Everyone is relieved and yet bummed that they didn't make it. Jack says "It's okay. We're alive." Well, for now.
10:39 PM EST
Kate is sleeping (or attempting to) somewhere in the future. The phone rings, and creepy music plays. Someone is whispering on the other end, and Kate freaks out. She runs, grabs her gun from her armoire, and FINDS CLAIRE IN AARON'S ROOM as she yells "Don't you touch my son!" Claire tells her not to bring him back (to the island, and Aaron, I assume). Turns out it's a dream, and Aaron sleeps soundly in his bed. Kate breaks down crying and strokes Aaron's hand and says "I'm sorry" as he sleeps.
10:41 PM EST
Aaron sleeps as a baby on the raft. Hurley asks if they're okay. Everyone tries to sleep on the raft. Hurley says Locke moved the island, and Jack shoots him down. "Oh really? Because one minute it was there, and the next minute it wasn't. So unless we overlooked it, dude..." They see a flashlight in the distance, and Lapedus is shocked. Turns out it's a boat. They flag it down. You'd think Sayid would learn from Season 1. This is when Jack decides at this moment that they have to lie when they get back to the mainland rather than being excited. He points out the logic in his story, but Kate questions if they can pull it off. "Just let me do the talking," he says.
10:44 PM EST
The boaters are speaking some dialect of Indonesia (wish I could tell you what they mean, but I did hear "AQUI!" which in Spanish means "HERE!"). Tunrs out that Penny is on the boat, and Desmond goes up and gets her. Penny goes to see him. Romantic music swells, both smile, and they kiss. About time something good happens to him.
Desmond asked how she found her, and apparently the phone call he made when he was tripping out? She tracked him. He promises to never leave her again and they proceed to sweetly suck face.
10:46 PM EST
The others get off the boat to meet Penny, and Desmond politely introduces them all. Jack tells her they need to talk, and ominous music swells to...commercial.
10:47 PM EST
Commercial. I run to pee. Because I know if I miss something, I'll be confused for like 3 more seasons.
10:50 PM EST
A title card reading "One Week Later" pops up. Sayid tells Hurley it's called Nembata, the island they're going to on the boat. Hurley asks why they're sailing 3,000 miles to yet another island. According to Sayid, "It's to keep them safe." There's another few hours to get to the island. Jack shakes Lapedus's hand and says "I hope to never see you again." Penny hands Aaron off to Kate, and the Oceanic Six get on the raft. Desmond decides to stay on the boat with Penny, saying as long as he has her, he's fine. Jack tells him "I'll see you in another life, brotha." Probably will, too. They load up the raft and Jack says "Let's go home." They wash up on Nembata where villagers find them and help them off the raft. I am interrupted with a non-Lost related
10:54 PM EST
Jack and his Beard of Broken Dreams drive up to a funeral parlor with a Lapedus-like Band-Aid on his forehead. The home is locked. (Hoffs/Dralwar, in case it's important later.) Jack breaks the doornob wtih some sort of brick and kicks down the door to find an office room with a lone casket inside. Jack seems to be stressing out over the contents and doesn't immediately open it. It's Jeremy Bentham, and he doesn' tsign the papers for it. Inside the coffin is...
OH SHIT! Ben comes into the home and scares the shit out of Jack (and me) before we see who's inside. Jack spoke to Sayid about a month ago, and Kate came to see him. He told him after Jack left bad things happened, and that it wasn't his fault. He told him that he had to come back. Jack asks why Ben's there. Ben tells him the island won't let him come alone. All of them have to go back. I just notice now that ben is not dead. Jack says it's impossible, because he doesn' tknow where everyone is and that Hurley is insane, and Kate won't speak to him anymore. Ben offers to help with that. "This is the way it has to be, Jack, this is the only way. We have to do it together, all of you." Jack refuses, Ben pushes on with more ideas, and Jack nods resigned. "You have to bring him too." LOCKE IS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING COFFIN. LOCKE IS JEREMY _______. OH DEAR GOD THEY JUST KILLED TERRY O' QUINN.
10:59 PM EST
The season is over. Locke is dead. I am sufficiently shocked. See you in October!

Jesus Christ is Not A Weapon: The LOST Season Finale Blog

In lieu of flashing you news (or anything else), I've decided to blog some Lost. Here we go. Brace yourselves, this will probably be even longer than that Oscar blog. Please note there are two parts, both are long, and THIS IS THE FIRST PART OF THE EPISODE.
9:00 PM EST
Previously on Lost. Bad things happened, there was a press converence where as Gregory House would put it, "everybody lies,", and Jack HAS TO GO BACK!
9:02 PM EST
Jack and that ugly beard he borrowed from Season 2 Jack Bristow are getting yelled at by Kate to go back for believing someone named Jeremy (to keep her and Aaron safe). She slaps him. Aaron wonders why Jack isn't there to read to him. Things obviously didn't end well in the "last 3 years." (YAY for a time span!)
9:04 PM EST
Back to the island in the jungle where Jack and Sawyer look for what Lapedus told them . Hurly seemingly takes a pee in the woods and is very excited to see them both. They end in this treehouse-looking thing where Locke is.
9:05 PM EST
Desmond is on the boat looking at wiring and enough C-4 to "blow up a bloody aircraft carrier." He has training with them from the army. He and Jin and Michael are looking at the equipment and notice it can go off remotely. Jin asks to turn it off, but clearly it's not that easy. The wiring is complex and interconnected in a way that would be almost impossible to disconnect without "boom," as Jin puts it. Dramatic music ensues and fades to black
9:07 PM EST
Title card and that creepy whistle. Apparently this broadcast is brought to you by Ford. My first water break of the next two hours.
9:09 PMP EST
Back to the dharma station below Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, and Locke. Locke wants to speak privately, but Jack says hells no and Hurley advises against it because the helicopter is not the best plan. Locke looks knowing and evil.
9:10 PM EST
Ben in handcusffs with the Ugandan soldier in the woods. Soldier (lead) wonders why Whidmore wants him alive if he paid so much. Ben wonders why he killed his daughter. They see Lapedus trying to free himself and they get ready to shoot Kate who is running through tall grass (bad idea). She tells them her name and her status as a passenger, she's being chased. The soldiers disperse, but The lead stays and is ready to shoot her and Ben if shit goes down. Whispers aboud in the woods (bad sign), someone takes out one of the soldiers with a gross sounding blood spurt (Foley guys? Props), another takes out a different soldier. Clearly, they are on Ben and Kate's side, but you can't see who they are. They quickly take out the soldiers with tazers and bullets from behind the grass as Ben and Kate decide to make a break for it. A soldier blows up from a grenade.
9:13 PM EST
Kate is running. Ben is running. Soldiers are running. Ben trips. Dramatic music. Sayid attacks the soldier from the tree which he falls out of. Fighting ensues, but Said manages to stab him. More fighting. Sayid grabs a big stick and gets a few good wacks in before the soldier tries to choke him and before he manages to choke my Iraqi Love, the creepy ageless guy Richard Alpert shoots the soldierin the back. His band of others comes to reveal themselves as the aides to Kate, ben, and Sayid. The lead soldier is dead. Kate lets Ben out of the cuffs (I wouldn't), and Ben gives Kate and Sayid the go-ahead to the helicopter and to get off. That's it. Cue commercial violins.
9:15 PM EST
Commercial for Hancock, which I want to see. I dash to the bathroom so I miss nothing. I get back in time for commercials for The Mole - which isn't significant, but I thought I would mention it.
9:18 PM EST
Hurley attempts to unwrap some sort of generic fruit roll-up as we're at the mental clinic of the future. A woman asks him if he's Hurley and if he's dangerous. He says yes and he's confused. Apparently, he knows her grandson...WALT! Who is older! He promises not to do anything crazy. Walt walks over to him, sits down (scared of Hurley). Hurley comments he's gotten big. Walt is disappointed that he didn't come to see him, which Hurley apologizes for. Walt got a visit from Jeremy _____ (didn't catch the last name). Walt doesn't understand why the Oceanic Six has lied. They lied to protect everyone who didn't come back. Like Walt's dad Michael, which both confirm. Walt doesn't seem satisfied.
9:20 PM EST
Hurley is still eating 15-year-old Dharma Saltines (nice paralell, between eating and eating). Sawyer wonders what they're talking about in the Greenhouse Treehouse. Hurley asks if Claire and the baby were okay. Sawyer doesn't answer. Jack and Locke talk, Locke wants Jack to stay on the island. Jack says no and says that Locke got most of his people killed. Locke says "let bygones be bygones." Locke tells Jack he's supposed to stay on the island, and Jack mocks him and his ideas of destiny. He says if Jack leaves the island, he'll be haunted by that decision until he decides to come back. Jack blows him off and says bye. Locke says he'll have to lie about everything when he returns to the real world. "It's the only way to pretect it." Locke says "It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen. And if you can't believe that, just wait to see what I'm about to do." Jack doesn't believe in miracles despite the whole not being crippled thing that Locke has been exhibiting since their rough landing. Ben crashes the party, Jack points a gun and Ben quips "Nice to see you too, Jack." He quickly finds the flowers that Locke can't find, pulls up a secret door, tells Jack that Sayid and Kate are waiting at the helicopter, and he won't fill them in. Ben tells Jackto get on the boat and says good bye, as he and Locke enter the Greenhouse. Locke tells Jack to lie to everyone back home like he lies to himself. They share a tense glare through glass as a creaky elevator takes them down to the bowels of the Orchid. Creak to commercial.
9:25 PM EST
Verizon commercial/water break. I come back in time for a Lycira commercial.
9:28 PM EST
Michael drags around some nitrogen. Sun asks him what's up, and Michael says that as long as the nitrogen does its job (I'm assuming in freezing the bombs), everyone will be fine. She tells Mike she's preggers, and he smiles and tells her congrats. She smiles and walks away.
9:29 PM EST
The boys are with the bombs, and Desmond questions Michael's intentions with the nitrogen. He explains that if he sprays the battery with the nitrogen, it'll freeze and there will be no power to the bomb. The catch? There's only one can. If the battery light turns red, they're screwed. They decide to go for it, and begin to douse teh battery.
9:30 PM EST
Heroic music. The raft comes back to the beach with Farraday onboard. He comes ashore, back for more passengers to the freighter, and tells Juliet he's going to get the next group and some water. Juliet thanks him for the help and he says no prob. He looks coniving.
9:31 PM EST
Miles eats Rose's peanuts. She's not happy. He asks permission late, but Rose will be keeping her eye on him. Charlotte and Farraday and Miles all plot. Charlotte must be on the raft for some reason, but Miles is left out. Miles is surprised Charlotte wants to leave, because she really wanted to get back to the island. "What do I mean?" I guess that's another mystery for another time.
9:32 PM EST
Rather than dying a dramatic Alias death in the elevator shaft, Ben and Locke are still on the elevator to the "deep" station they're fast approaching. The elevator door opens and into the dark tunnel they go (no, that's not a euphemism). As it turns out, the station has a TV. Locke is surprised. It's not the "magic box," according to Ben, and he starts turning on some lights. All the Dharma stations are meant for "experiments," but Ben won't elaborate past that and simply hands him a Dharma video to answer some questions as he "takes care of some business." Locke sits down to 6 of 6 of the orientation with the 15 bunny with Dr. Hallowax (that Asian guy). It's "The Orchid," and the island has a "casamere effect" which allows Dharma to experiemt with space and time. The door is a vault opposite negatively charged matter. No organic materials in the chamber. He puts the bunny in there to demonstrate how bad this shit here. Metallic objects must never be put in it. Despite this, Ben throws in a garbage can and a few metal chairs for good measure.
9:35 PM EST
He tries watch the video, but before he can see some bloody bunnies and smug Asian men, it rewinds and won't work. Anne, would this be the video you found online where it worked and the bunny disappeared? My favorite exchange so far takes place:
Locke "Is he talking about what I think he's talking about?"
Ben "If you're talking about time-traveling bunnies? Yes."
Ben puts in metal, even though Locke advises against it. Suddnely, the door closes, the elevator goes up, and Someone unexpected is obviously on their way to harm them. Ben asks Locke for his weapon back. Crick to commercial.
9:37 PM EST
Commercial break. I really hate those "5 dollar foot long" commercials. I can never tell if it's a sandwich or a male prostitute they're advertising. Although I do love the "you neglected to mention the sleeper sofa" commercial where for Dunkin' Donuts and the Scorpion bite commercial for the new Moto phone.
9:41 PM EST
Hurley, Sawyer, and Jack make their way to the helicopter where Kate and Sayid are unlocking Lapedus. They hug. Sawyer askss which of the soldiers "Freckles" killed. Kate asks Jack if he's okay, he says he is now that she's there. Somewhere, Kristyne is yelling "WHORE!" at her television. Lapedus apparently is trapped in industrial handcuffs, as they try to saw them off. They are finally free. They want to "get the hell out of here!" I wonder in awe how one Band-aid has managed to hang on to Lapedus's forehead. Because I know when I cut myself? Those things fall off real fast. Anyway. Lapedus tells them to keep their limbs inside the vehicle and yells "LET'S GO FOR A RIDE!" Heroic music swells, all are happy to leave, and the helicopter gets up in the sky with a lovely island vista.
9:44 PM EST
Back at The Orchid, bad shit is about to go down. The bastard soldier (hereafter known as BS) was NOT DEAD (he got better) and is waiting to take out Ben with his knife. Ben is conveniently hiding in a vent somewhere. BS says that Ben's boyfriend Locke shot him in the back, but his body armor caught it. He takes off his jacket and tells him about the "life-insurance policy" on his arm. It's a heartrate monitor that CONTROLS THE C-4 on the boat. Meaning that if he dies? Boom goes the boat. He taunts Ben with how his Daughter dies. locke comes out and puts his hands up. He introduces himself as someone with no conflict with BS. He asks BS to put his knife down so they can talk. BS is not for that. Ben comes out of the vent and starts whooping some ass. He stabs him in the neck, which is a dumb move. Locke yells at him for being so careless and the heart monitor goes crazy. The following exchange is, well, exchanged:
Locke "You just killed everyone on that boat!
Ben "So?"
9:47 PM EST
I slam my desk in frustration as a commercial break comes with no crick of music. I run for water #3. As I walk by the window, I notice that I have "Fever" hair, which excites me to no end.
9:51 PM EST
Farraday gets Charlotte and tries to tell her something, but she tells him she's not going, and that nothing is forever. She wants to stay because "would it make any sense if I was still looking for where I was born?" He tells her no, they hug, and she says goodbye. He looks after her longingly and starts to walk back to the others getting on the raft. Juliet also declines leaving unless everyone else is safely off the island. She'll be there when he gets back, which he doubts he'll ever do. People are ready to boat off to the boat with the bomb, which...I wouldn't. "Off we go," Farraday says.
9:53 PM EST
The boys are still spraying the battery. Desmond goes to cut a wire, but Jin tells him to stop and how they're still connected. It's not safe yet. There's 1/4 tank of liquid nitrogen left, and they ponder how to get everyon eoff the boat if they can't disable the bomb.
9:54 PM EST
'Copter time! Everyone is enjoying the view, but the fuel quantity is going down and going QUICK. They look outside to see if they see anything, but there's a fuel leak. Jack yells at him to look for the boat because there's no fuel on the island and then the helicopter's useless. They toss out "everything that's not bolted down" (other than themselves). This means supplies, but he wants another few hundred pounds off. Hurley looks guiltily at his stomach and looks like he's about to jump. Sawyer whispers to Kate, she asks "why are you telling me this," and he proceeds to kiss her in front of Jack, tells her to "Just do it Freckles," and Sawyer jumps out of the helicopter. This is the promise she made to Sawyer, obviously, and he is safe and off the helicopter for the weight problem. He swims back to the island. Kate cries. Fade to black.
9:57 PM EST
Commercial for Wall-E. I really don't Car-E, so I go to Pe-E. On to hour 2 (or 3, if you watched the finale rerun) of the Lost extravaganza!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Here's the Story, Of A Man Named...Biddle?

See, this is the problem with watching daytime television. I was sitting watching VH1's 100 Best Child Stars, and they showed Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) all grown up and hosting. Which is great. But what creeped me out was seeing the old pictures of him. Looking suspiciously like Matt.
Oh dear. Biddle's a Brady.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Okay, Less Creepy Than Expected

So, to recap from two or three entries ago: My professor found my blog after I said some reviews about his class (not all terrible, I cut them out just to be safe). I get an e-mail about three hours after I posted it saying things that would only make sense if you read the original entry. Which...creeped me out. Turns out he has Google Alerts on himself, was a pure coincidence that he found it.
Oh, and apparently, my J Research is really interesting and good, so I don't have to do terribly much to finish or edit it. Just have to add on the two interviews, the conclusion, and the works cited.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Men vs. Women: Gender Misidentification

So to set up the situation. I have set up an interview with the administrator of California's Charter School organization. I e-mail her a few times, and I get an e-mail back saying that she can't focus on an e-mail interview (understandable) and that I should call her at 8 AM EST (Ugh, but I'll do it). But at the beginning of the e-mail, she calls me Andrew.
Now I understand, I've been mistaken for a guy before with the nickname Alex, it's nothing new. But this administrator didn't have the time to read the name at the end of the e-mail? I'm severely insulted.

Men: Dave Pizzuto
Me: So this chick I have to interview? She called me Andrew.
Me: I've sent her 3 e-mails now.
Me: My name has been on all of them.
Me: My name is not Andrew, nor do I have male genitalia.
Me: I'm rather insulted and if I didn't need this administrator's comment for this story, I wouldn't even bother.
Dave: That's...embarassing.
Dave: And by embarassing, I mean terrible.
Me: I know!
Me: I got brushed off and called by another name!
Me: I mean, I'm used to people mistaking me for a dude when I say Alex.
Me: But she called me ANDREW.
Me: After 3 e-mails where I identified myself as Alex or Alexandra.
Dave: Either she's a moron or she doesn't read well. Either way, she probably shouldn't be in an administrative position.

Women: Brooke Aldrich
Me: So this lady I have to interview in California can't e-mail me the answers and I have to call her at 8 AM tomorrow morning.
Me: And she called me Andrew.
Me: My name isn't Andrew, it's Alexandra like it says in the 3 e-mails I sent her.
Me: Nor do I have male genitalia.
Brooke: lawl
Me: I'm severely insulted.
Brooke: I would be too
Me: Like, my school e-mail has my name attached.
Me: So it comes up with Alexandra.
Me: So it's not really unobvious that I'm a girl.
Me: Now I understand when I get mistaken for a guy when I use Alex, it's happened before.
Me: But she didn't even call me that, she called me Andrew.
Brooke: yea
Brooke: that's a big "wtf, you definitely didn't pay attention at all"

Men: Matt Biddle
Me: I mean, I understand if she mistakes me for a guy when I use Alex, it's happened many times before and sometimes people will be more inclined to talk to you if you're a guy.
Me: But she didn't just call me a guy, she called me another guy's name.
So she doesn't care AND she is under the false impression that I am in posession of a dick.
Matt: yeah, i would be pissed, too. plus, she probably isn't THAT busy. i mean, nobody except maybe the presidential candidates are THAT busy.
to not properly read a name.
Me: See, that's what I figure.
Me: In your inbox, it says the name that comes with the e-mail account, which in this case is Alexandra Palombo.
Matt: yeah, true. that makes it even worse. i forgot about that.
Me: Yeah.
Matt: yeah, that sucks, i'm sorry.
Me: It's okay, I was planning on straightening her out over the phone.
Matt: being, like hello this is ALEXANDRA.
Me: I was planning on doing so.
Matt: good choice.

Friday, May 2, 2008

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

As I was Googling myself today for kicks, I found my old quote pages and I had forgotten how funny they were and how much I've learned from my friends. So sit back and relax as I reminisce about what my friends from high school taught me.

Brandon Plaster's Guide to Afghani Foreign Policy
"Taliban! Bang bang bang bang bang! Taliban, shoot you in the face, Taliban!"

Will Hopkins and Tucker Sherry on Figurative Language
"I've decided that I'm gonna use random analogies that make little to no sense." - Will
"Like a Texan." - Tucker

Kim Morton on The Titanic Tragedy
"Enough of this exposition. Bring on the water."

The Louisa White School of Police Sound Effects

Chelsea Johnstone on Poetry of Authority Figures
"Did you know Frat has 150 published works, including poems?" - Me
"So did the Pope. It doesn't mean they're good." - Chelsea

The Lidia Jin School of Avoiding Calculus Quizzes
"But it's the 6th day of Hannukah!"

Chelsea Johnstone on Class Participation
"Don't put me in direct view!"

Wes Crampton on Procrastination
"Brian! Guess what day it is? It's EVENTUALLY!"

The Tucker Sherry School of Courtesy*Sneeze* - Jimmy
"Bless you." - Me
*Sneeze* - Jimmy
"Bless you." - Me & Tucker
*Sneeze* - Jimmy
"You better fucking stop that." - Tucker

Mariellen Boyle on The Children of Oedipus
"I wanna see the kids; their genes are all DuPont-ed out."

The Chris Tharp School of Intimidation
"I demand you open this door or I'll be forced to...break in with force."

Terry Wu on Early North American Settlements
"The Puritans were chillin' in their cribs."

Mariellen Boyle on Understanding Sports
"Wait, cut the what and run where?"

Jason Chandler on Music Theory
"That's stacatto, you douche bags."

Justin Rathemanner on Swimming Technique
"Fat kids don't skinny dip, they chunky dunk."

Laura Gray and Rachel Kozlowski on Geometric Needlework
"This is what Charter has done to me. I got bored making square pillows, so I made a tetrahedron." - Rachel
"The fact that you just called it a tetrahedron is what scares me." - Laura

Kyle Benson on Racial Identity
"I was Hispanic, really, I was!"

Ethan Beswick on Cooking
"Hey, Ethan, how'd you get raisins this big?" - Kim
"Hey, Kim, what happens when you put dehydrated fruit in liquid?" - Ethan

Dash Hause and Mariellen Boyle on Eastern European Affairs
"They formed Czechoslovakia. And then they broke up. And got back together. And broke up again." - Dash (on Czech Republic & Slovakia)
"And then they went on Montel." - Mariellen

Amanda Olsen and Dave Pizzuto on Relative Intelligence
"Dave, you're smart, right?" - Amanda
"In theory." - Dave

I'm sure more is to come...

Grade the Graders

I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of tired of these teacher evaluations.
I totally understand the point of them, and I'm sure they're useful, but they're really not anonymous. Teachers have to grade tests and papers you write by hand, they know your handwriting. They generally have an idea of how you feel towards them and their grading. And they're kind of a boring way to spend the last 10 minutes of a class ever. I'm just putting out there what I said/will say for different teachers.

Well, they'll find out soon enough. Hi Professor Loop!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Issues of the Utmost Importance

Dave: If you're still working and want me to shut up so you can concentrate, just say so and I'll make like a tree and leave.
Dave: (Couldn't think of anything less cliched.)
Me: I'm not working, I'm actually trying to caption and upload pictures.
Dave: Ahhh...important work. I see, I see.
Me: Oh, my life's goal.
Dave: What goal could be nobler than the documentation of one's and one's friends' lives on Facebook?
Me: There are a few.
Dave: (Ok, I can think of a few...)
Me: Curing cancer...
Me: World peace...
Me: Figuring out what the hokey pokey really is all about...
Dave: Net neutrality...
Dave: XD
Me: I mean really, left foot in or out? Make up your mind, goddamn it.
Dave: And why stop at the left foot?
Me: I know!
Dave: There's a whole body to shake all out.
Me: Such an indecisive dance.
Dave: And what is 'it' that you shake out, anyway?
Me: I know!
Me: It boggles my mind.
Dave: I can just see it: Philosophy 420: The Hokey Pokey: What it's All About.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Ooh Baby, I Love It When We Talk Politics...

Amanda: It's so funny... like "this is what politics minors are like when they're horny"

So started dinner's conversation theme. Eating was a longer affair than I thought it would be. Normally it's just me, Amanda, Matt, and Kristin eating, making "That's what she said" jokes for about an hour, and then heading back to our dorms to IM because we're incapable of human contact for too long. But tonight we somehow got on the topic of dirty talk (I blame Matt) and politics (I blame Amanda). I think it started because Amanda has the hots for her interviewee at CBS, and Matt & I will latch on to anything that sounds vaguely sexual. This also came up when talking about how we would think our "friend" would sound dirty talking - in essence, a huge fruit-flavored turn off.

After deciding that this friend would most likely sound like the Kool Aid Man in a phone session, we decided that thinking about this perosn in any relation to sex was wrong and we continued on talking about what dirty talk would sound like in different political situations. For example:
Amanda: I would fund his campaign anyday.
Me: They just called 5 more states for Obama. Let's go.
Matt: Hilary just lost the primary. Let's fuck.
Kristin decided to just look on in mild amusement and eat her potatoes.

That wasn't even with the following IM conversations.
Amanda: i told my ma that i was too busy to pick things out online that i want because i was too busy having a sex convo with you and she said tmi haha
Me: She thinks you're a total democratic lesbo. A democresbian.
Amanda: hahahaha
Amanda: no she knew it wasn't like that... i don't even think that she realizes that i'm a democrat haha
Amanda: I'm a closet democrat.
Amanda: A closet liberal if you will.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

The Bathroom Wall

Dave: We have these big graffiti walls that they put up sometimes. They're basically big hunks of plywood that they stick over by one of the dining halls and they even supply spray paint.
Dave: Some weeird things wind up on there.
Me: Sounds like our guard backdrops.
We used to write messages to each other on the back, and it started turning into the bathroom wall.
The middle one was pretty scandalous.
Dave: There's a bathroom wall here that says 'Vandalism is LAME!'
Me: That's kind of funny.
Me: There was one at Charter that had a running story that people added to.
Even though someone wrote "And u freakin GAY" at the end, the next person kept going with that and said something about going on Ellen.
That line may have been from a guy that snuck in, since that's the sort of thing on most bathroom walls.
Dave: And my sister's named Ellen, so that's kinda sketchy.
Me: No, not your sister.
Me: They meant the gay talk show host.
Dave: Oh, that Ellen.
Me: Yes.
Me: Not your sister.
Dave: That's good to know.
Me: Yeah.
Dave: We have one semi running story in the cracks in the wall talking about 42 and how it's not 6x9.
Me: Oh goodness.
Right next to it is a few lines commanding the guy using the urinal it's in front of to 'look at the other guy's penis. DO IT'
Dave: That always makes me chuckle, since no guy would EVER do that.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Men vs. Women: Raspy Cold-Induced Voices

I'm starting a new segment on the blog called Men vs. Women, and their opinions on things. In this case, Dave and Julez. We were discussing how people feel about raspy voices from colds, and if they sound better than the average. Let's look.
Me: Because of all the ups and downs in weather now I'm sick.
Dave: Yes, truly horrible.
Me: Just a cold, but still, I'm all stuffed up.
Me: People said I sounded better than usual.
Me: Which...I didn't know how to take.
Dave: I had that a few days ago, when it was enough of spring that my allergies decided to remind me they're still around.
Me: Yup.
Dave: That' odd compliment. I'd be really confused too.
Me: I've gotten it before.
Me: Apparently I have a raspier voice when I'm HACKING UP A LUNG.
Me: Go figure.
Dave: I never would have guessed that.

Me: But I have a cold.
Me: And apparently guys think I sound sexier with it.
Me: I have a raspy voice now, and they're like, "It's kinda hot."
Julez: lol!
Me: Meaning, I sound like shit usually.
Julez: the huskiness
Me: I guess.
Julez: i dunno
Me: It's a few of my guy friends that told me.
Julez: the summer after me and alex were going out i lost my voice for a while
when i called him he was like....that sounds sexy
Julez: i was like....i lost my voice. it's horrible.
Julez: and he's like...if you get it back....can you still talk like that?
Julez: >_<
Julez: i don't get it
Julez: boys are special

Friday, March 28, 2008


In the graphic for the potential room that Kristyne & I are rooming in (which we are, we got Bogart 209, in case you didn't read that last post), I spelled her name wrong.
Which...only she noticed.
So yeah. It's spelled "KRISTYNE." Not how it is on the bed.
Kristyne? Get a life. ;D

Homer Should've Stuck With Poetry

This morning was perhaps the most scary experience of my life concerning the internet.
I got up around 6:30 to pick housing for me and Kristyne, with Kristyne providing emotional support via IM (and later my loud-ass phone). The conversation went something like this:
Kristyne: i feel like singing the final countdown
Kristyne: it calms me
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh
Alex: Um...
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh duh
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh duh duh
Alex: I like how you only know the synth line.
Kristyne: its the final countdown!
Kristyne: duh duh duh duh

I made it into the system no problem at 7 (a little slow, but that's to be expected with basic internet and everyone on the server at once). I got to the room - slowly - and clicked to confirm it. And then the unthinkable happened.
The connection timed out.
In the middle of it confirming our room, with 3 minutes left on the grace period.
The connection timed out.
Naturally, I was pissed. Kristyne chose this time to call (waking up Callie) and I proceeded to curse her out and hang up out of anger and fear of not getting the damn room. I clicked refresh, I went on Safari AND Firefox at the same time AND turned on Callie's computer, willing to exploit her free internet to try and get us the room.
As soon as I turned back around, it said the room was confirmed.
That was my cardio for the day.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Bogart and Boys. Ooh La La.

So last night was the Top Chef gathering in Das Boothroyd, this time with less people (Hotel Cafe was performing downtown in the Commons, so Ryan, Danielle, Kelly, Anne, and others were there). This week it was just me, Kristyne, Joanna, and Autumn. The boys were there too, AJ, Brad, and another (whose name escapes me) were there for Ghost Hunters. There was some weirdness when Brad left, because he was really only there for 15 minutes (which is kind of a walk to be there that short of a time; Boothroyd is nice, but kind of isolated from the rest of the dorms). He left, started IMing Joanna, and we got back to watching Top Chef (and gossiping about boys, or our lack thereof).

We also got down to planning our plan of attack for picking rooms. Since we're all trying to live in the same dorm next year, we were picking out which room each of us would have. It doesn't seem like that huge of a deal, and normally, it wouldn't matter to me what room I get, so long as we're on the same floor (or at very very least, all in the same building). The situation is this: the dorm we're going for (Bogart) has two sides - one with a view of the parking lot, the other with a view of the lower quad (which is pretty nice, save for Friday and Saturday nights). So obviously, Kristyne & I are gunning for the side with the quad view (other you're facing the tennis court, Emerson, the parking lot, and the bus stop/cab stop). The other problem is if we all go for the same room, it slows up the system and then we'll all miss out. So if we settle which room we're going to try to get, there will be less hassle and more chance that we'll get it. Because we all know that Homer is a temperamental system, and the less we hassle him/it, the better chance we have.
There's also the concern of having enough rooms on the floor for all of us. I believe that there are 5 sets of girls in our group trying to get rooms (when there are 6 rooms left, and this is hoping that we pick soon enough. One set of girls already picked, because they do it by semesters and they had APs out the yin-yang). So having a set strategy is key. The boys don't have the same problem; there are less rooms for them, but there are really only 2 or 3 sets of guys going from our group onto this floor. And one set has already picked. So really, they have carte blanche.
Wish us luck!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Divine Documentaries, Petty Thievery, and Priestly Puns

My Academic Writing professor is a petty thief.

The class started with us talking to our professor, Joshua (whose last name I'll just say is Pederson) about the movie we were going to watch, the crazy Christian documentary Jesus Camp, when Lena burst through the door with a half-eaten apple and an apology for coming in late.

"There was a long line at the coffee shop, and this guy at the front of the line was having problems with his credit for like 10 minutes, and I almost left, but I was there drinking my coffee, and I figured I should probably pay for the coffee," she said.

"Oh. Yeah, I stole mine the other day," Joshua said, shocking the whole class. "What? I was going to be late for class!"

After this, he decided to introduce the documentary Jesus Camp, mentioning that they do go to the mega church in Colorado Springs to see Ted Haggerty before "the sex scandal brought him to his knees...That was the worst word choice ever, sorry." He blushed furiously, sat down, and then started up the movie.

The movie starts off talking about politics being entwined with religion. It then launches into a battle-themed God dance and kids dancing in tounges, with Becky Fischer talking about how a little girl was totally aware and was "hooking up with the Holy Spirit." Ooh la la. She goes on to proclaim that she needs to teach these students to combat the evil forces in the world, like the children being trained "to blow themselves up for the cause of Islam."

"We need to stand up and take back the land," she says.

Then kids start popping up saying when they got saved, and how they're not shy when they're "with the Holy Spirit." It then follows rat-tailed Levi to his home schooling saying that Global Warming isn't true because the temperature has only gone up .6 degrees, and how creationism is the only way. Science isn't proven.

75% of all home-schooled kids in the US are evangelical Christians. And "there are two kinds of people in this world: those who love Jesus, and those who don't."

Rachael prays to the Lord for a strike, gives a slut at the bowling alley a pamphlet, and says that she wants to be a nail cosmetologist so she can tell people about the Lord and being saved while she's giving them a candy apple red manicure. She doesn't care about being called weird, because "they're not judging me in the end."

Another little blond loves Christian heavy metal, and doesn't like how Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears sing about boys and girls, because "she doesn't believe in that." That one might be on to something, but still funny. She then goes downstairs with her brothers and sisters to pledge allegiance to the Christian nation and the Bible rather than the American flag.

Her mother feels that her daughter is "on loan from God," and that she needs to be trained in character. Which makes sense. But if she's on loan, do her parents need to pay interest? Does she build up good credit with the Lord?

The kids all pack up their leotards and prophecy dance stuff and flashlights and bibles for "Kids on Fire" camp in South Dakota, so they can be educated. They go to dance to God techno that proclaims that "JC is in da house!" and that they're "kickin' it for Christ!" This leads into a speech about how the Devil tempts children with sin, starting from when they're little and sin seems inconsequential.

Then she starts talking about Harry Potter is sinful, and how "YOU DON'T MAKE HEROES OUT OF WARLOCKS!" Lena promptly screams and runs out of the room.

She starts calling kids hypocrites when they say one thing at Church and another at school. She then proceeds to re-baptize and cleanse them with a bottle of Nestle water, because Aquafina is the water of the devil. The kids cry and they are told to go pray and repent.

A little kid starts talking about how he feels guilty about not believing the Bible because he can't see or hear God. He then proceeds to channel God on stage.

There's a lightning storm and the kids start making ghost stories and animal stories and weird belly ripples by flash light. The chaperone puts them back to bed and tells them to stop telling ghost stories because they don't honor God.

The head of the camp sets about to editing her font on the PowerPoint to Chiller, saying "DEATH." She busts out the fig-leaved Barbie and Ken "Adam and Eve" dolls, and shows how faith will blow life into people, like the balloon she starts blowing up. There's something with a Jell-o mold of a brain and a sticky hand that will stick to the ideas of God. And then like every other Pizza Hut sticky hand, they'll come into contact with the dirty floor and won't stick to anything.

The kids at the lunch table talk about how Harry Potter is prohibited for witch craft, which upsets Lena. One kid gleefully says "I watch it at my dad's!"

Rachael loves "being in the presence of God." She talks about dead churches that have a few songs and a sermon (like mine!), and how God wants to go to churches where people seize and jump up and down and praise his name.

Little Levi is assigned to preach, and starts writing up what he's going to yell at his peers about how this generation is going to bring Jesus back. Which is awesome, but very very scary. God writes the sermon through his arm, and how the Holy Spirit will be coming out of him when he preaches. Kids need to get up off the couch, and not to let Satan get them off. Or something. I could've misquoted that.

They go off to go hammer on ghosts. They go hammer on cups labeled "government" and "break the power of the devil in this nation in the name of Jesus." The kids yell Jesus and cry and cheer on their camp mates as they smash more pottery.

The camp leader tells them it's not about speed, it's about strength. There are more tears, and the kids are told to pray it out. They raise their hands and speak in tongues and cry and are cheered on while doing so. They're advocated to make war with prophecies. I don't think that Jesus would advocate war. Call me crazy and unbelieving and Catholic. But I don't think that's what he was going for.

Pan to Levi throwing stones. He feels like encountering non-Christians "makes his soul feel yucky." He compares it to wanting junky candy and the meat of the Holy Spirit.

"I don't want the candy, I want the meat," he says. "I wouldn't be different from other kids if they did their calling. America is supposed to be God's nation. And then things just started twisting around. And now a lot of people in America aren't following God," he says disapprovingly.

George W. Bush's cardboard cut-out is blessed in tongues by the little kids. "MR. PRESIDENT! ONE NATION UNDER GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Screaming and cheering ensues. The collective town of Ithaca puts its head in its hands.

A speaker comes, usually talking to older people, and tells them that God knew them before they were born. "You weren't just a piece of protoplasm. Whatever that is." He tells Levi that God planned out his life, and how he wouldn't sell out in his teens. He'd stay with God. Levi thinks it's "pretty cool."

We take a pause, and then skip to the scene in Colorado Springs with Ted Haggerty. He says the Bible condemns homosexuality. He says that hookers are wrong (weeks before he was caught with one), and that in the home there should be a few core beliefs, and if so, freedom from Satan is guaranteed. They first pray for George W. Bush, who Haggerty advises every Monday morning.

Ted Haggerty explains that Levi will know what to talk about when he's 30, and then says that "kids are everything." He then condemns natural selection and public schools by saying that God loves everyone. He then starts talking about how evangelicals have the power to wrap up elections with their votes.

Thus proving that I am, in fact, going to Hell.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Cingular: No Longer Raising the Bar

The away message of Chelsea's being referred to: I just read an article that cell phone talking causes barely moving, hardly viable, and mutated sperm: Maybe you guys should put your phones in your back pockets and not the front beside them instead.

Me: And I just read your away message and that's hilarious.
Chelsea: That's not HILARIOUS! That's scary!
Me: It is too. We're coming up with a population of sterile young men!
Chelsea: I want my man READY
Chelsea: And each time I want to know the kids I may get are NORMAL.
Chelsea: If I have an abnormal child because he was chatting the night away, I'll be upset.
Chelsea: If my daughter has Downs or is stupid or ugly or something all because his Envy was too close to the boys....
Chelsea: I would be very, very sad.
Me: I just laughed really really loud right then and I'm glad my roommate's not here.Because Dave in Troy could've heard my snort.
Chelsea: haha I'm glad I could help
Chelsea: Dr. Fisch explains: "You can tell a man's testosterone level very easily -- the bigger the belly, the lower testosterone level."
Me: That's good to know.
Chelsea: Look at my skinny lanky willowy Manly Man any differently now?!
Chelsea: Rawrrrrrr!
Chelsea: lol
Me: Get him a wristlet to keep his phone far away from his crotch.
Chelsea: lol
Me: Tell him to put it across the room for safety's sake.
Chelsea: Cuz he'd use THAT.
Me: Yeah.
Chelsea: And he'll want to know why.
Chelsea: And when I say I'm worried about his sperm, where does THAT convo go?!
Chelsea: lol nooooo thanks.
Me: "Look, Kev, I know you like the sensation of your phone vibrating in your front pocket, but my ova are not waiting for just ANYONE, and Cingular is shrinking your bars, so could you move it? Kay, thanks."
Me: Cingular is no longer raising the bar.
Chelsea: ALEX!
Chelsea: There are many innuendos in that!
Chelsea: Nicely done!

You heard her, boys. Move your phone to the back pocket so that the human race can live on.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Anne Almost LOST Her Mind

Tonight was odd in the way that there was no Simple Soup Supper like usual at chapel. And I didn't go to Holy Thursday mass because my class got out late. So I instead went back to my room to finish my Freud paper (see the last post for some details on that one) and figure out where I would be watching LOST (or if I would be watching it). Originally, I was going to watch it with Matt, Amanda, and Kristin. But as it turns out, Anne was just going to be "A little bit late," which in this case meant that she wasn't back until the beginning of Eli Stone. Kelly graciously hosted me in their room to watch the show - she intended on watching it anyway, so the two of us actually got to talk during it since Kristyne was out watching Miss Pettigrew (see a few posts ago for my review of it) and Anne was photo-ing.

So since they both were not there - and really, Anne is obsessed and takes it very seriously - Kelly and I decided to mess with her and Kristyne because they weren't there. This was the text message to her:
Sawyer is dead. Kate and Claire made a love pact that Kate would take care of Aaron. They kissed.
The text message to Anne was simpler: Sawyer is dead.
About 20 minutes and 5 frantic text messages later, we get a jittery and distressed phone call from Anne, asking if it was true. I laughed and hung up. She next called Kelly, who was calmer and told Anne that Sawyer was dead and that Miles had shot him.
It was quite effective. She continued to text for the remainder of the hour until we finally texted her and told her it was complete bullshit and Sawyer was safe and sound (for this week, at least).
She came back about a half hour later and gave us hugs, admitting that had we not told her the truth (or had Sawyer actually died and had we ruined it for her), she fully intended on coming through the door and punching us both in our respective jaws.
So here's to you, Anne. Thank you for not punching us in the jaws.
Krystine is still pissed.

I Want Your Freud

So the Global Studies midterm wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be. Seriously. The essay was a little long, and I think I might've missed a rival theory to Putnam, but I really didn't think it was too hard. With finished, I started out writing this paper on Freud's Dora: An Analysis of a Case of Hysteria (which I am 3.5 pages into and I planned on doing 4.5ish, so really, not doing too horribly there). And let me say...I am quite confused.

Basically, he's saying that kids and women fake sick to get their parents and husbands love. Which makes sense. He also says that the main story has an odd dream about her running out of the house saving her jewelry box. Which has something to do with losing her virginity to her dad's mistress's husband, bed wetting, and oral fixation. And her distracted playing with her belt means that she likes to masturbate, apparently.
This was around the time I was fiddling with the highlighter and my hand and promptly stopped.
It's...a weird book, and I don't think I can look at Dora the same way again.
And I thought her jumping the fence was bad. Ooh, goodness.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Toast vs. Vehicular Manslaughter

A conversation between me and Tucker during my Academic Writing class, concerning Tucker auditioning for Rocky Horror back in Newark.

Tucker: seriously
Tucker: i'd be awesome at it
Alex: I think you would.
Alex: And it would give me incentive for aiming my toast
Tucker: yeah
Tucker: don't throw things at the cast or the screen
Tucker: because the cast is expensive and the screen will
Tucker: FUCK
Tucker: YOU
Tucker: UP
Tucker: without even smearing its makeup
Alex: Yup.
Tucker: so yeah
Tucker: throw toast at me and i'll make you pay
Alex: I won't throw it at you.
Tucker: good
Alex: I'll throw it near you and it will happen to hit you.
Alex: Slightly.
Tucker: ahhh
Tucker: just like my car will drive near you and happen to
run you down
Alex: That's a bit violent for a stale piece of bread at
the head
Tucker: exactly
Tucker: i escalate
Alex: From a friendly taunt to vehicular manslaughter?
Tucker: yup

This has been a conversation between me and Tucker during my Academic Writing class, concerning Tucker auditioning for Rocky Horror back in Newark.

Monday, March 17, 2008

That's What Jesus Said.

Alex: So [my palm branch cross] is ghetto, and I cheated on Corinne's, and I totally missed the homily because I was wrestling with exotic tree leaves instead of listening to the word.
Alex: Reason #9847938 that I'm going to hell.
Alex: Reason #9847937 that I'm going to hell was me and Corinne stifling a giggle when father was reading the Passion and got to the part where the cock crowed.
Alex: At least I have my sis to keep me company in the raging inferno.
Alex: How's that makeup working?
*pregnant pause*
Alex: You're appalled, I can feel it.
Chelsea: You laughed about the cock crowing?
Chelsea: I don't get it.
Alex: Don't worry about it and move on.
Alex: How's the Happy Harry's makeup?
Chelsea: Were you two giries thinking cock as in anatomy and not as in fowl?
Alex: Perhaps.
Alex: Way to evade the make-up question.
Alex: (And she started it)
Alex: Little sisters, gosh they can be horrible.
Alex: See, that's why you don't go see Rocky Horror the night before Palm Sunday. It's problems waiting to happen.
Alex: And then you're tired all mass because you only got 3 hours of sleep, so really, everything at that point is funny when you're tired.
Chelsea: Well i mean if they're excited enough they kind of do....
Chelsea: But that is NOT what your pastor meant!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Kymera, Kymera, WHAT?

So after that lengthy trip home (see the previous blog to see how that one went), Chelsea & Isha & I decided that the best way to celebrate spring break was to join in on a guard competition. We got there around 9:30, just in time to see the athletic director, Mr. Kelly, reem out Rena & Michelle yet again for "not reserving the time for the gym." I decided to chat up the girls around the floor as they fought (again; this is a common issue. The athletic directors don't have respect for the guard, and when they reserve the gym for practice, they are traditionally bumped in favor of Science Olympiad or something else that could easily use a lab or the lobby) and take copious amounts of pictures, which you can find on my Facebook page as the last 4 albums.
Yes. 4. And yes, I do have a problem.
Moving on.

In addition to being a competition day - the competition being at Kingsway Regional in Swedesboro, NJ - it was also Claire's birthday (I believe it was her 17th, but I couldn't tell you for sure). After taking a quick "pony ride" at Happy Harry's (a rocking horse), Rena & Michelle ordered pizzas and revealed that they had bought a birthday cake with Bob Saget on the top - a lovely touch if I may say so myself (this all started when Claire & Kylie saw his name in Abington at a competition last year, and he quickly became the doer of all good and sexy in the world).

After enjoying all that - and a few acrobatics to add in - we loaded up the bus and went to Swedesboro (and the girls were totally right, the bus driver was a creeper). Got out in the rain, helped the drumline unload their crap (well, in theory. Chels & I stayed in the room talking to resident guard mama Ms. Laura and taking even more pictures. The girls got back and we decided to perform Andy Carp's rendition of Romeo & Juliet with Katrina & Gabby A filling in for the two lovers. If you want an idea of how that went, here's the link:
(I highly suggest it)

So after watching the drumline perform (which was awesome, good job to all), the guard went on. I thought it was a fantastic performance with a few minor drops, the judges put them in the low 60s, which I think is an insult to them. They got second place out of two (which is understandable, the guard they competed against is 3rd in the division, while at the time, Kymera was in 11th. They're now in 4th).

While the judging and other performances were going down (APEX was a highlight), we took the traditional ugly/crazy face pictures in the stands and waited to see how the guards did. We then got on the bus (again, with the creepy driver and the drumline) and had a dance party on the way over the Delaware Memorial Bridge (the Del Mem Br around our parts) and got home at an early 10:30 - keep in mind that we usually get home around midnight or later.
Oh, it was a good Saturday. Go check out my Facebook for more (or check out all of Michelle's videos).

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Dave & Nate's Excellent Adventure

So yesterday was the first day of spring break and naturally, I needed a ride home. So this time I decided to go with Dave and Nate (who lives in Media, PA near Swarthmore). They've done this before, and they've always been fine doing it. With the exception of our hour-late start, we were doing okay.
And then we hit Scranton.
We missed a turn, and the boys didn't really notice that we missed the turn until an hour and a half later when we were 23 miles outside Harrisburg.
It's not completely their fault, part of it was the pea-soup-thick fog, but seriously?
When you're driving alongside Hershey Park and you get home at 1 AM rather than 10 PM as planned? That's a problem. And that's why you GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ASK FOR FUCKING DIRECTIONS.
God. All the stereotypes about male navigational "skills" are totally true.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Kristyne: hows it going?
Alex: Not bad, I have to interview people for the Ithacan in an hour. What about yourself?
Kristyne:pretty good. lots of work, but i get to kill demons later so its pulling me through
Alex: ...kill demons? Video games?
Kristyne:hahaha yes!
Alex: Good, I was confused there for a minute.
Kristyne: hahah. no i'm a secret exorcist
Alex: Kick ass.
You know it. I'm like Constantine. But better.
Alex: Awesome, because I heard there are ghosts that hang out in Bogart's TV lounge, and I would think those would get old when I'm trying to write a paper and they're reaping metaphysical havoc on my dorm.
Kristyne: Yeah, don't worry. Once I get there, they'll pee their ghostly pants and run away.
Alex: Do ghosts wear pants? Because I don't want ghoul piddle all over my carpet. Kaboom! alone doesn't get that out, you know.
Kristyne: No worries, its magical. Therefore it's magically removed with the powers I posses.
Alex: Oh, good. I don't think ResLife would appreciate stains on the carpet from dorm ghosts.
Kristyne: Well, what would they rather have? And are you serious about this ghost rumor?
Alex: About as serious as you are being a closet exorcist. Which is to say, not at all.
Kristyne: Oh, okay. Damn, I thought we could use that for our show next year.
Alex: Maybe. We could fake it.
Kristyne: I think that's what we're gonna do mostly.
Alex: Cool.
Kristyne: I can't wait for next year!
Alex: None of us can! I was talking to Autumn and Joanna the other day at lunch and they were psyched.
Kristyne: Yeah like we really all are
Alex: For sure.
Kristyne: If we put all of our excitement in a bomb, it could wipe out the entire world.
Alex Palombo
Russia would be nuking us right now if we dropped that bomb.
Like, Kim Jong Il would be like, "Shit, why didn't I have that bomb?"
Kristyne: Russia would be dead!
Alex: Russia would be no more.
Kristyne: We're weapons of the state.

I wanted to post the rest, because it was really really funny, but I fear that people might interpret it as a terroristic threat, and really, I love my college and I don't want to get either of us kicked out for a dumb joke misinterpreted as more. So if you really want to find out the rest, please, let me know.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

And the Oscar for Longest Blog Post EVER Goes To...

7:58 PM
• Ryan Seacrest offers a plate with his face on it to Katherine Heigl as a diet plan. Frankly, I would’ve broken the plate and chowed down on a burger.
7:59 PM
• Giuliana Rancic and Kimora Lee predict that red is the color of the night. Wearing my
8:00 PM
• The Soup comes on E!, and we quickly figure out that the ceremony is starting. We jump up and change the channel to ABC and are dismayed to find that Regis Philbin is hosting the preshow. Not sure if this is a good thing. He begins by awkwardly interviewing George Clooney, who changes the subject to Notre Dame basketball.
8:04 PM
• Brad arrives dressed up. Papparazo Joanna takes pictures. John Travolta’s dye job shows up to the Oscars with Kelly Preston in tow.
8:07 PM
• Javier Bardem is interviewed. The room heats up about 20 degrees.
8:09 PM
• Miley Cyrus shows up. She looks great and we find out she is presenting. The room cries out in protests of bullshit.
8:12 PM
• Jennifer Garner shows up looking gorgeous. I vow to go on a diet.
8:13 PM
• Helen Mirren arrives looking classy and age appropriate. You go girl.
8:14 PM
• Daniel Day-Lewis shows up, a man that Hank proclaims to be “A G.” He looks surprisingly classy for a man with long hair and two hoop earrings.
8:17 PM
• Some random old chick and two teenagers get interviewed. Regis tells them to “make some noise.” Rappers everywhere cross this saying off their list of concert lines.
8:22 PM
• Ellen Page is interviewed. Hank vows to make her his wife.
8:24 PM
• The extras in the Enchanted number are interviewed by Regis. They squeal. All parties involved need new material and need to ease up on the make-up.
8:27 PM
• Jack Nicholson brilliantly avoided Regis, and the show starts.
8:30 PM
• The Oscars begin with its montage, starting in the desert and heading to Hollywood with some tricky computer animation combining all of the nominees and past movies. Apparently, it’s the 80th Academy Awards
8:32 PM
• Jon Stewart pops out of a tube. Hee hee. Writers strike reference is made. Crowd applauds. “Welcome to the make-up sex.” Cancellation of the Vanity Fair Oscar party out of respect for the writers. Maybe invite them to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party; “They won’t mingle, don’t worry.”
8:34 PM – Opening monologue
• The Oscars ended the writers strike. “Let’s take a moment to congratulate ourselves.” Stewart mentions the murderous movie noms. “Does this town need a hug?” and ending by saying “Thank God for teen pregnancy.”
• “Hannibal Lecter’s murdering with Dorothy Hamil’s wedge cut.”
• “Julie Christie in a movie about a woman who forgets her own husband. Hilary Clinton called it the feel good movie of the year.”
• “Finally a movie that captures the beauty and the raw sexuality of Yom Kippur.” – Atonement
• “I only say that, of course, so Dennis Hopper knows where he is. Don’t worry, I’m going to mention it every 15 minutes or so. We’re friends.”
• “Diablo Cody was an exotic dancer and is now is an Oscar-nominated writer. I hope you’re enjoying the pay cut.”
• “That makes my stripper name Olympia Dukakis.”
• “Oscar is 80 years old this year, which automatically makes him the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.”
• “I think we all remember the ill-fated 1948 presidential campaign of Hadolf Titler. It’s such a shame! Titler had such good ideas! He couldn’t overcome the name! Or the mustache…” (On Barack Obama)
8:41 PM
• Jennifer Garner presents the first award for the Best Costume Award. The winner, as I predicted, is Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Alexandra Byrne, the costumer, has an ugly dress but a fantastic and concise speech. Kudos, Alexandra. Kudos.
8:43 PM
• They flashback to Barbara Streisand and Katherine Hepburn’s tie win. Hank and Ryan proclaim that if they can flashback to Family Guy.
8:48 PM
• I cancel the DP Dough order and sit down to watch the memorable moments from past Oscars set to the touching strains of “My Heart Will Go On.” Jon Stewart is watching “Lawrence of Arabia” on his iPhone.
8:51 PM
• Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell present. I squee at the Get Smart music. Steve Carell jokes towards Jon that “You never cease to amaze me with your constant need for oppression.”
o “Is this being shown in Belgium?”
o “Oui.”
o “Oh sh…”
• The Oscar goes to Ratatouille. Equally deserving, but the room is pissed off because Persepolis won. Bird gives a lovely speech with his father’s “advice” and gets cut off by music.
8:55 PM
• Katherine Heigl presents and is nervous. She presents the award for Best Makeup to La Vie en Rose (which is deserving against Norbit and Pirates of the Caribbean) to Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald. Both are charming and have very concise speeches. The orchestra cuts them off.
8:58 PM
• The first best song performance is “Happy Working” from Enchanted. Jon Stewart decides to start, but hands the reigns over to Amy Adams.
9:02 PM
• Oscar montage with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
9:07 PM
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson presents the award for Best Visual Effects, joking that Raiders of the Lost Ark’s melting face scared the crap out of him. The Oscar goes to the computer geeks behind The Golden Compass. They quote Disney by saying “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” The room’s response: “WHAT?!?!”
9:10 PM
• Cate Blanchett presents Best Art Direction. Kristyne is pissed. I am impressed that someone that pregnant is out. Sweeney Todd wins over Atonement, and yet I’m delighted because it is equally if not more deserving for the award.
9:13 PM
• It is revealed that Cate Blanchett played the pitbull in No Country for Old Men and Jon Stewart hosting the Oscars. She cannot be stopped. Yet another montage, this time of the Best Supporting Actor.
9:15 PM
• Academy Award Winner Jennifer Hudson stiffly reads off the teleprompter for the Best Supporting Actor. The award, as predicted, goes to Javier Bardem. He charmingly dedicates it to his mother and the people of Spain, all in Spanish. As if the man wasn’t sexy enough.
9:22 PM
• Stewart translates: “I believe he told his mother where the library is.” He shows us what a writer-less Oscars would’ve been: A tribute to binoculars and periscopes and bad dreams.
9:24 PM
• Keri Russell appears to introduce “Raise it Up,” the song from August Rush nominated for Best Song. It’s beautifully performed by the cast and the Impact choir of Harlem and the soloists from the movie. Just as good live as it was in the movie. I will be okay with this if it wins for Best Song, although I really am pulling for “Falling Slowly” from Once.
9:28 PM
• Owen Wilson (a nominee) presents the Best Live-Action Short Film, which goes to Le Mozart De Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets) of France. The director keeps it short and sweet.
9:31 PM
• Bee Movie makes yet another appearance. With a dumb montage. Next. It makes the presentation for Best Animated Short Film to Peter and the Wolf. The British winners are very greatful and are holding the model of the character Peter with them on stage.
9:34 PM
• Yet another fucking montage of past winners. This time, Best Supporting Actresses.
9:35 PM
• Alan Arkin presents the award for Best Supporting Actress. I pull for Ruby Dee in American Gangster or Saoirse Ronan in Atonement, even though both are highly unlikely; the award is presented to…Tilda Swinton. This is the first award for Swinton and the first time Swinton has actually looked like a woman. “I have an American agent who is the spitting image of this statue,” and she dedicates the award to her sculpted award to her agent. She used buttocks and nipples in her speech. Rock on, Tilda.
9:40 PM
• Another montage. This one is a little more meaningful, it includes Sidney Poitier.
9:42 PM
• DP Dough arrives. The masses stop to replenish before heckling the awards more.
9:44 PM
• The “always fantastic” Jessica Alba (whatever) introduces the winners of the Technical Awards. This is the first year that anyone I’m watching the show with actually cares about those awards.
9:45 PM
• Jon notes that there are only 2 pregnant women, but “The night is young. Jack [Nicholson] is here.”
9:46 PM
• James McAvoy and Josh Brolin playfully introduce the Best Adapted Screenplay with the worst Jack Nicholson impression. The Coen Brothers win for No Country for Old Men.
9:49 PM
• The President of the Oscar committee makes a bland speech about why they award the films that no one has actually seen. They proceed to show a montage about how everything is nominated. Frankly, I don’t give a damn.
9:51 PM
• Jon Stewart proceeds to say exactly what we were thinking “Wow. That was amazing. I always thought they were super delegates.”
9:52 PM
• Miley Cyrus’s general presence irks the entire room and like totally presents the pretty darn hopeful song “How Does She Know” from Enchanted. I wouldn’t like it at all if Kristin Chenowith wasn’t singing it. Hank thinks the drummer looks like Harrison Ford.
9:58 PM
• Kristyne finally notices that all the boys’ dorm room doors have light sabers and signs of the empire on them. She is notably shocked and jealous.
10:00 PM
• There is a third pregnant actress in the audience: Jessica Alba, Cate Blancett, and Nicole Kidman. “And the baby goes to…Oh my God, Angelina Jolie.”
10:01 PM
• Dame Judy Dench and Halle Berry are supposed to present. It’s actually Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen. In this case, Seth is Dame Judy Dench, because Jonah “Gives off a Halle Berry vibe.” Goofing off aside, they are there to present the Best Sound Editing Award to The Bourne Ultimatum.
10:05 PM
• “Halle Berry and “Dame Judy Dench” once again fight over who is hotter and give the award for Best Sound Mixing to The Bourne Ultimatum. Double prizes abound.
10:07 PM
• Another montage. The Oscar committee has decided to be kind and give its audience a chance to take a pee break.
10:09 PM
• Forest Whitaker presents the upset award for Best Actress to Marion Cotillard, who is adorably speechless and accented. The broadcast is then annoyingly rewound and told from another point of view with gratuitous explosions.
10:17 PM
• Jon Stewart plays Wii tennis against the soloist form August Rush and loses. “Am I supposed to be winded?”
10:18 PM
• Colin Farrell, who seems to have borrowed Daniel Day-Lewis’s hair, comes on stage and presents the song “Falling Slowly” from Irish indie Once – my personal favorite in the category, although chances for winning against Enchanted are slim. The performance is fantastic.
10:22 PM
• Jack Nicholson swaggers onto the stage and rasps something about how movies are awesome escapism and bring us all together. Whatever. It’s Jack. He presents the Best Picture montage of movies I’ve never seen.
10:27 PM
• Renee Zelwegger’s shoulders present the ward for Best Film Editing to The Bourne Ulitmatum. The room, once again, is pissed that the trilogy has pulled off what the Godfather couldn’t: having the third of the trilogy win Oscars.
10:30 PM
• Jon Stewart jokes that someone just won the Oscar pool on a guess for the Bourne Ultimatum, and gives props for the orchestra, who have been doing a great job.
10:31 PM
• Nicole Kidman presents the Honorary Oscar to Robert Boyle after a gratuitous montage. The 98-year-old is helped on stage by two beautiful woman and receives a statuette. He is most certainly getting laid later. It is a good night for Robert Boyle, who gives a lovely speech.
10:41 PM
• Stewart jokes that the show needs to be restarted, and then presents Penelope Cruz. The men in the room proceed to drool as she presents the Best Foreign Language Film to The Counterfeiters from Austria.
10:44 PM
• The “versatile and handsome” Patrick Dempsey presents the final song nominated for Best Song, called “So Close,” from Enchanted. The singer has no diction skills, and we care even less about this nominated song.
10:50 PM
• John Travolta’s dye job presents the upset award of Best Song to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova for “Falling Slowly.” They adorably accept the award and tell people to make art. The orchestra then cuts off Marketa before she even starts to talk. The orchestra is obviously not happy with Enchanted losing and proceeds to cut Marketa off before she gets to thank anyone.
10:52 PM
• Jon Stewart announces that a Boeing 737 with California plates has left its lights on. John Travolta’s dye job dashes across the stage to turn them off. Well played.
10:56 PM
• Jon Stewart brings out Marketa Irglova to give her thanks and tells her to “enjoy her moment.” She gives credit to all struggling independent musicians, and tells everyone to keep on, and hope connects everyone.
10:58 PM
• Cameron Diaz has trouble pronouncing words, but manages to spit out that the winner for Best Cinematography is There Will Be Blood, garnering shock out of the whole room.
11:01 PM
• Hilary Swank introduces the death montage.
11:08 PM
• Amy Adams presents the award for Best Original Score to typewriter-utilizing score of Atonement. I am insanely thrilled.
11:11 PM
• Tom Hanks, who “has no place being here,” presents a video from Baghdad, where the soldiers present the award for Best Documentary Short to Freeheld. Perhaps the coolest presentation I’ve seen in a long time. The directors are crying and grateful, and Ryan who would love them to shut up.
11:15 PM
• Tom Hanks continues on to present the award for Best Documentary Feature to Taxi to the Dark Side, a documentary about the torture of prisoners of war.
11:18 PM
• Best Song montage with Elton John. The consensus of Das Boot’s lounge is that Elton John’s glasses get gayer and gayer.
11:24 PM
• Harrison Ford walks out to the tune of Indiana Jones’ theme. He (slowly) presents the award of Best Original Screenplay to Diablo Cody for Juno (!!!). She dedicates the award to the writers, the fellow nominees, who she worships, the “superhuman” Ellen Page, director Jason Reitman, and her family.
11:28 PM
• Montage time of Best Actor winners gone by.
11:30 PM
• Helen Mirren, the classiest woman in the world, says “cajones.” And “sex.” The room agrees that she could read the phone book and we’d be rapt with attention and falling at her feet. She then presents the Best Actor award to Daniel Day-Lewis. Mirren knights Day-Lewis with the Oscar. He thanks the Academy for knighting him with the “handsomest bludgeon in town.” He thanks his wife, the writers, and Paul Dano. He accepts it in honor of his boys, his father, and his grandfather.
11:39 PM
• Director montage, kicked off by Walter Mathau and Jack Lemon and ending with Martin Scorcese wining. Last year’s (finally) winner Scorcese presents the Best Directing award to the Coen Brothers. Joel says: “I don’t have a lot to add to what I said earlier. Thank you.” Ethan thanks everyone for “letting them play in their corner of the sandbox.”
11:44 PM
• Denzel Washington has no hair. Oh, and he presents the award for Best Picture to No Country for Old Men. The Coen Brothers, who just won for directing, just chilled out backstage and got a drink before coming back out for this one. All parties are thrilled, as is Hank. The rest of us called this years ago.
• “With the opportunity of making movies comes the responsibility of making them good.” – Sydney Pollack, quoted by Paul Rudin.
11:47 PM
• Jon Stewart says goodnight.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Jam Band Friday

Obviously, the first order of business for the night was the Jimkata concert at Castaways. Driving there was an experience, because Kristyne has no navigational skills. We then drove past it and 3 subsequent turn arounds because Ryan and Kristyne didn't believe that the tiny little rowhouse on the water by the restaurant was the club. We went in, payed our $7, got the indelible ink drawn on our hands, and decided to chill out at the table, wait for Amanda and Matt and Kristin to show up, and take horrible horrible pictures of ourselves until the band actually started.
Then the concert started.

The first thing I noticed wasn't the band. It was one of their groupies, a tall, slim, and highly intoxicated young lady falling out of her tank top. I almost got smacked several times by her wild monkey arms. She then proceeded to block my view and make out with a few girls and a few guys. I was kind of expecting the wild dancing because Jimkata is in the "jam band" genre. I also expected the pot smoking (just not inside the club, it smelled like skunk).
The band themselves were awesome, great style, the lead singer has a fantastic voice, the drummer is awesome, and the basists were just as fantastic. The atmosphere was really fun and young, other than the jammy grammy behind us in the crowd. We opted not to stay for U-Melt (as half the club opted not to do) and decided to go back to the Terraces to get food (which we really have to stop doing, it's a waste of money and belly space in my jeans), where we had the following enlightened conversation at 1:13 in the morning:
Me: Why the fuck is that french fry green?
Matt: Because it's celery.
Me: Oh.
Oh, it's been a long night.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Dharma Dead Baby Joke

Kristyne: What a whore.
Anne: No, she's not.
Me: If I looked like that and those guys were around, I would have a TON of babies.
Anne: No you wouldn't.
Me: Why not?
Anne: Because you'd be dead.