Sunday, February 22, 2009

Your Mom's a Jai Ho - The Oscar Blog

After downing some Frosted Nixon cookies and Chicken Breasts in honor of The Reader, we settled in to watch the awards.
8:31 PM
Hugh Jackman is sexy. He's the host, and everyone with a vagina in the room is in love. He points out how people are nominated for range. Kate Winslet for playing a German in The Reader, Robert Downey Jr. playing a black dude in Tropic Thunder, and then himself playing an Australian in Australia.
8:32 PM
He will be downsizing because of the economy next year, starring in New Zealand. Ouch. He's also doing his own musical tribute to all the movies with a crappy background that he made himself. He goes up to Kate Winslet and sings about human excriment for Slumdog Millionaire. Steps on a soapbox for Milk. He then proceeds to break it DOWN. A cardboard Dark Knight set shows up and he complains about how it wasn't nominated.
8:35 PM
He goes to the audience to get Anne Hathaway to help him out with Frost/Nixon. Apparently, she was sitting right next to Frank Langella. They start to sing and she busts out with a peace sign. Eeeeeeeepic.
8:37 PM
8:38 PM
He is a Slumdog. He is a wrestler. He is a reader. He is Wolverine!
8:39 PM
He plops down on Frank Langella's lap and decides to get uncomfortable. He seemed okay with it. He then goes up to Mickey Rourke and says he looks wonderful. He then tells him that he'll have a 20 minute delay on his speech. Brangelina is next. No joke, but he's contractually obligated to mention them 5 times. Meryl Streep is up, mentions her Oscar nom record, and says it's from steroids. She flexes, the audience laughs. Cut to a montage!
8:41 PM
Best Supporting Actress montage but the curtains don't work right at first! Someone's getting fired!
8:42 PM
The five living Best Actress recipients are honored onstage together (which is awesome), and present the award together. Eva Marie Saint makes a speech about Viola Davis, Anjelica Houston makes a speech about Penelope Cruz, Whoopi Golberg makes the crack that "It's not easy being a nun, take it from someone who's been there and back. Your love interest is always offscreen" and gives the speech about Amy Adams, Goldie Hawn and her ill-fitted dress give the speech to Taraji P. Henson, and Tilda Swinton's alien self gives Marisa Tomei's speech.
8:46 PM
Penelope Cruz wins! "It's not going to be 45 seconds! Has anyone fainted here? Because I might be the first one." Hilary wonders "Where's her novio?" She does have a written speech just in case. She thanks a bunch of Spanish people, her parents, her brother & sisters, her friend, and a bunch of other people. She thought it was out of reach, but she's very very excited and thinks this award is a form of unity. She's the second Spaniard to win, after her boyfriend, Javier Bardem.
8:50 PM
Kristyne takes over Alex's blog....mwahahahahahahah!!!!
8:52 PM
Alex takes back her blog as a typewriter presents Tina Fey (who looks fabulous) and Steve Martin. Tina Fey gets more applause. He rewards us with 5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

"They say that through writing, you can live forever." - Tina Fey
"The man who said that is dead." - Steve Martin

They present the award for Best Original Screenplay. The winner is...Milk. Well, the writer. He's making a political statement, but it's somehow still sweet. Pro-gay message, very overt, still sweet. He thanks God for giving the world Harvey Milk.
8:59 PM
Fey and Martin also present the Best Adapted Screenplay. Martin tells Fey not to fall in love with him, mid-sentence. Kristyne contines to rag on the screenplays that show up, saying "you can't express inept!" Slumdog Millionaire wins, and I am once again wrong. He thanks Vikas Swarup, who wrote the book he adapted, his parents, his wife, the cast and crew, and Danny and Christian, his "other two Musketeers."
9:03 PM
Jack Black and Jennifer Anniston present together for Best Animated Feature. Jack Black says that he made more money with animation than live action. Anniston is pissed. He takes all his money and bets it on Pixar (Ouch!). Montage time! And Wall-E wins. Because it's Pixar. Thankfully, the maker is very gracious. He thanks his drama teacher for casting him in Hello, Dolly!
9:08 PM
Anniston and Black present the Best Animated Short Film. Apparently, Jack Black didn't watch anything he wasn't in. I'm rooting for Presto, the winner is...La Maison en Petit Cubes. Surprisingly, the maker isn't French.

"Yay, Asian people!" says Kristyne.
9:15 PM
Hugh Jackman starts talking about pre-production. In a warehouse-looking bit, Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessia Parker present the award for Best Art Direction. I am SHOCKED to hear that Allie voted for Revolutionary Road in our own little poll. The winner is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The winners are psyched, they thank their crews in New Orleans, St. Thomas, Montreal, and Los Angeles. They thank the producers for leaving them alone, and thank David Fincher. And his wife.
9:19 PM
Craig and Parker are also presenting Best Costume Design. The winner is The Duchess, which gets me a third star on the chart. The guy who wins thanks the musician for the film, his promoters, his crew and the cast, as well as a few others. Finally he thanks Keira Knightley for being "one classy lady."
9:22 PM
Craig and Parker are also (Jesus) presenting Best Makeup. The winner is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. My 4th star is added to the chart and the guy who wins has a nice long list of people to thank. He talks too fast for me to catch any of their names, except for Brad Pitt, Taraji P. Henson, and Cate Blanchett.
9:25 PM
Robert Pattinson (blech) and Amanda Seyfried (yay!) present a romance montage to "Lovers in Japan" by Coldplay (!!!). There's a clip of HSM3 and Twilight. I barf a little in my mouth. They make up for it by ending it with Wall-E.
9:31 PM
Hugh Jackman starts talking about the cinematography of movies. Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller come out to present the Best Cinmatography. Stiller comes out dressed up as Joaquin Phoenix, and it's epic. Portman tells him to spit out his gum, and he sticks it to the podium. Portman tells him he looks like he works at a "Hacidic meth lab." Her dress is gorgeous, by the way. As she presents the clips, he walks aimlessly around the stage. The winner is...Slumdog Millionaire! (5 stars for me). He decides not to thank thousands of people, but he does thank the Academy, the cast and crew who he will thank "each and every day," his family, and Danny Boyle.
9:38 PM
Jessica Biel and her ugly ass dress talk about the Sci-Tech Awards. Casey and I decided that they pick random hot chicks to host these awards so that the nerds who do all that can meet a girl.
9:42 PM
The comedy 2008 montage. The boys from Pineapple Express make fun of this year's films. They do their pothead laugh at The Reader. They sing along to "Take A Chance on Me" and make up new lyrics about Mamma Mia! and James Franco stares longingly at himself during Milk as he puts his arm around Seth Rogen. They then wonder why there's a film crew in their apartment. And if they can make their Oscar into a pipe.
9:45 PM
James Franco and Janus Kaminsky and Seth Rogen all come up to present. They're presenting the Best Live Action Short, and Janus Kaminsky is the first DP to present (he tells someone to suck it, which is awesome). The winner is...Speilzugland! Which James Franco butchers, but the director's cool. He used to live in Germany, he's been working on it for 14 years, and his accent is adorable. He thanks all his cast and crew, and says that he hopes the bald-headed statues has a good effect on his career.
9:52 PM
Hugh Jackman is wearing a fun suit with a flower and a white tie, because musicals are back! He starts singing, and somewhere in London, Anne Northgraves is squealing in feminine glee. Beyonce joins him. He starts to sing "The Gym Song" from West Side Story, and they cut it off.

"MAMBO!" Allie and Norah yell prematurely.

They sing everything, including Grease ("It's electrifying!" Norah and Allie and Kristyne yell).

Vanessa Hudgins and Zac Efron show up, and it's been ruined for me.
10:01 PM
Montage of all the Best Supporting Actor winners. My favorite bit is Jack Palance doing the one-armed push-ups. Five of the Best Actor winners come up to present the awards. Alan Arkin speaks first, and starts talking about "Seymour Philip" Hoffman, who is still wearing his hat. Which needs to not happen. Casey makes us shut up as Joel Grey talks about Josh Brolin, and tells him he nailed his part (aw!). Cuba Gooding Jr. agrees with everyone else and starts talking about Robert Downey Jr. "Are you outta yo MIND?" He's mad, because RDJ is taking work from black men, and tells him good luck on Shaft. Christopher Walken creeps me out and starts talking about Michael Shannon. Kevin Kline finishes up by talking about Heath Ledger. Gee, I wonder who will win...
10:07 PM
the Oscar goes to Heath Ledger. His parents and sister are accepting on his behalf, and they get a standing ovation. His dad is humbled, and thanks the Academy, Chris Nolan (director of The Dark Knight), his son's agent/mentor. They talk about how honored he would be, and how compassionate and inspiring he was. They proudly accept the award on behalf of his daughter, Matilda.
10:10 PM
Montage time! This is about documentaries. The music is fabulous for it, so good job Michael Giacchino. The first F-bomb is dropped, so three cheers for documentaries.
10:13 PM
Bill Maher is presenting and jokes "Great, everyone's crying and now I have to go on." He's presenting Best Documentary, and is a little upset that his documentary wasn't included. He tells everyone to applaud. The award goes to...Man On Wire! (6 Stars). James Marsh runs up, talks really fast and thanks his family and tells him nothing's impossible. Simon Chinn tells his kids to have great dreams, but not to do what his subject did. He says "Yes!" and thanks his wife and the Academy for believing in magic! He balances the Oscar on his chin and bows and leaves.
10:16 PM
Maher is also presenting Best Documentary Short, which goes to Smile Pinki (which I voted for beause I liked the name. 7 Stars!). The maker is shocked, and loves telling stories for a living, and having a great family and friends. She thanks her editor, cinematographer, and crew. She then makes a promo for "The Smile Train," which is the company that fixes cleft palates. She thanks her subjects for inspiring her.
10:22 PM
Hugh Jackman talks about post-production, which leads to a montage of the action movies of 2008. The song is awesome, I dont' know what it is. It leads to Will Smith presenting. He wanted to present now because he loves action movies. Because they have people that actually watch. He says that visual effects made "Brad Pit look like a garden gnome". The award for Best Visual Effects goes to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Bummer, I totally picked Ironman. the crew is thrilled and thank the Academy, their crews, their mentors, their wives, their kids, Brad Pitt, and David Fincher (director).
10:28 PM
Will flubs his line and presents Best Sound Editing. The winner is The Dark Knight. He's very thankful and gracious.
10:30 PM
Will introduces the Best Sound Mixing, which Slumdog Millionaire wins. They're so shocked and excited and breathing hard and the whole audience claps for them. The Indian guy says the speech, and thanks Bombay (Mumbai). He thanks the Academy, teachers, Danny Boyle, his crew, and dedicates the award to his country.
10:33 PM
Will is like "I'm still here," and he presents the award for Best Editing. Casey mocks his presentation. I voted Frost/Nixon, but the winner turns out to be Slumdog Millionaire. They did a damn good job, and I'm happy they won it. The camera cuts to Dev Patel and Freida Pinto doing the Dog Pound move from the Arsenio Hall Show. Chris Dickens, the editing, says he had a great time working on the film and didn't want it to end. He thanks his crew, his family, his wife Cleo, Danny Boyle (who gives him a thumbs up), and leaves.
10:41 PM
Eddie Murphy shows up to present a special Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award is Jerry Lewis. Kristyne thinks the award is going to "Gene what's-his-face." The montage is accompanied by "Viva La Vida," proving that Michael Giacchino is a big Coldplay fan and Lewis comes out, not looking horrible for his age. He's very thankful and keeps his speech short and sweet and meaningful.
10:50 PM
Hugh Jackman starts the montage of all the nominated music scores. Zac Efron and Alicia Keys (huh? vhat?) come on stage (heh) and present the Best Original Score to A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire. He and his accent are adorable, and the last time he was this excited was his wedding. He's very grateful, thanks the Academy and a few others, and leaves.
10:55 PM
Now it's time for the Best Original Song performances. "O Saya" is first and it includes Indian dancers, which is cool. A.R. Rahman is the guy singing it! No way! M.I.A. did not come with, she's been a little busy having a baby.

"It's like drumline, but cooler!"

John Legend is standing in with the Soweto Gospel Choir for Peter Gabriel, because Peter Gabriel decided not to sing. Kristyne is waaaaaaay bitter.

"It's not the same when black people sing it!" she says.

And the dancers come back for "Jai Ho," which is also A.R. Rahman, and an Indian chick. They then remix it with John Legend.

"Somewhere Peter Gabriel is killing himself," says Kristyne.

The winner is "Jai Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire. I wonder if A.R. Rahman is offended that one song won over another. He thanks the crew again, and he's adorable.
11:03 PM
The blogger has now left her blog unattended-mischief ensues.
11:05 PM
Alex comandeers the blog back from KellyPaul (one word) and waches as Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto present an award together. They're presenting the Best Foreign Language Film. The winner is Departures, the Japanese film. A sweet little Japanese thanks everybody ("That's me!" yells Derek), and says he's very happy. I beg him to talk more, but he's short and sweet and ends it with an "Arigato!"
11:10 PM
Queen Latifah presents the in memorium montage. She sings "I'm Missing You" as Matt Biddle shows up on his rounds. Kristyne is doing balance exercises on the edge of the lounge couch. I don't quite catch why. I am a little disappointed that Isaac Hayes' clip doesn't include Chef. Paul Newman is the last clip, and he's a so sexy and sophisticated.
11:18 PM
The President of the Academy, Steve Gaines, decided against a speech today. Reese Witherspoon and her fugly dress rag on Ben Stiller and presents the Best Directing award. The winner is Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire. He promised his kids that he would thank Tigger if he ever won an award, so he did. He thanked the Oscars coordinators for how gorgeous it looked in the theater, he thanks his kids and his wife, his dad, his sisters, his friends, Fox Searchlight, and a bunch of others. I get a text from Laura saying "Haha the spirit of tigger!" Danny Boyle forgot the choreographer on the credits, so he thanks him at the awards. He thanks Mumbai as a whole, saying "You dwarf even this guy."
11:24 PM
Best Actress montage! Shirley MacLaine congratulates Anne Hathaway, who looks absolutely touched and has cried for almost half the evening. She says she has many more years of awards to come, and thinks she has a gorgeous voice. Marion Cotillard struggles through her English, but gives the speech for Kate Winslet, who looks touched.

Halle Berry gives the speech about how awesome she is, but then turns it around to Melissa Leo. and says she's far too good to be ignored.

"Worst movie ever," says Norah about Frozen River.

Sophia Loren's tanned Italian self looks like she's wearing a wig and gives the speech for Meryl Streep. She looks inspired and touched as Loren remembers her 15 nominations and struggles with her English.

"Her native language is Martian, so what do you want?" asks Zac stopping in.

Nicole Kidman looks lovely and gives the speech for Angelina Jolie, who looks as stoic as ever.

The Oscar winner is Kate Winslet, duh. She looks honored and says that she's going to faint. She said she made the speech speaking into the shampoo bottle when she was eight in the bathroom mirror. She wants to thank her parents and asks her dad to whistle so she knows where he is (!!!). She thanks her friends and her husband and kids for the experience. The cast and crew was very together and she loved her experience. She thanks Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack in heaven and says that she and her fellow nominees that they're in the same category of Meryl at all.

Laura Gray: She's no meryl but go kate.
11:36 PM
The Best Actor montage comes up. I thought De Niro was Keanu Reeves because of his hair in the 70s clip. Norah reveals that her aunt calls Daniel Day-Lewis "Daniel Day-Tasty." The boys get a standing O, and the speeches start. Michael Douglas starts talking about Frank Langella and how awesome his work is. Robert De Niro questions "How all those years, Sean Penn got all those jobs playing straight men?" and says how awesome he is. Spicoli got a mention and some impromptu applause.

"He's looking a little metro now," says Norah. "Milk did him good."

Adrien Brody talks about how many films Richard Jenkins and how he's happy he got the recognition. Anthony Hopkins talks about Brad Pitt, who looks sexy and totally won't win. Because he's Brad Pitt. Allie and Derek and Ryan make fun of how Hopkins is swaying from his age. Ben Kingsley got stuck presenting Mickey Rourke, and he talks about how great he was (and ignores how gross his face is). He's an honest actor with a great part. The winner is Sean Penn. There is mutiny. He gets a standing ovation and totally doesn't deserve it. "You commie homo-loving sons of guns," he says. Little more acceptable. He wants to thank his friends, Cleve Jones, Lance Black (the writer), the producers, and Gus Van Sant. He makes a political statement because he's Sean Penn, and even though I agree with him? It doesn't mean I want him to get poltical on my awards show. He comes out (that was intentional) for gay marriage and Obama. And then he leaves.

Laura Gray: I am horrified by this. Stolen from mickey rourke.
11:47 PM
Stephen Spielberg comes out present the award for Best Picture (duh). The Best Picture montage is first. Some good transitions between them, like the Braveheart/Milk segue. So just in case you didn't catch them, Speilberg announces the nominees again. And the winner is Slumdog Millionaire. And they brought the kidlings! How cute!

"I wish to steal him," says Norah.

The producer thanks the cast and crew for the journey. They had no stars or power or muscle or money, but they had an inspiring script that inspired "mad love." The kids look so excited. The producer thanks his parents and his wife. And they all seem so happy and so am I.

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